I didn’t expect the feelings I felt as I watched this old tattoo on my wrist disappear…
I felt a little choked up.
I felt a little freedom.
I felt ready to move forward.
I also felt sad as old memories flooded me, I found myself reaching back to comfort those past versions of myself as they crumbled in my memories, each in such different phases of life.
“Thank you for getting me here. We’re good. We made it through. We’re so strong. I love you.”
On the surface, this was just one of my earliest tattoos that wasn’t very good, the French lettering was spelled wrong, but the intention of the original tattoo was, “Let Go.”
Before I got this tattoo, a phone call interrupted one of my self harm sessions. I was sitting on the floor flirting with the idea of going deeper.
So tired of pretending.
So tired of shape shifting.
I felt so caged.
I was born and raised to be fearful and my fear of death held me in check. This practice helped me find a release in a world where I had to keep every natural thing about myself on lock, unless they were considered “acceptable” behavior or “proper” feelings.
– Shut it down unless it’s nice –
We’ve all felt this.
When that call came through, I received the news that my friend had felt the same, only he escaped this life. After he passed away, I vowed to myself to stop self harming. I got this tattoo and kept that promise to myself for several years…
During the worst year of my life, I found myself sitting on the floor in the kitchen. Hardly able to see through blurry tears, holding a shard of glass from my broken coffee pot after it had been smashed. I felt empty, hopeless, and like I could never recover or reclaim my life as my own. I felt entirely out of control, I felt owned by an abusive partner. I started to dig the glass into my wrist and push deeper when Ava’s face popped into my mind. Things were always the worst whenever she was away at her dad’s. “Thank goodness.” I contemplated that she would be safe and taken care of and I kept pushing and slashing the glass deeper still; scaring my tattoo and breaking my early promise to myself. This broken promise was interrupted by accusations that I was just being dramatic and mockery for, “doing it wrong.”
When I look back at the girl, lost and alone on both occasions; I remember her hopelessness, I feel her pain, and I remember what it felt like to be powerless.
I do not feel powerless today. I do not feel caged, I feel free.
I feel liberated by the closing of that chapter in my life. I know who I am, where I’m going, and who’s on my team. Every struggle is a metamorphosis for something.
And I’m starting to realize that I can fucking fly.
So can you.
You are writing your own story, if you’re not happy with the way things are, how can you change it? What needs to be burned to the ground? What quenches your thirst for life? What feeds your soul? Get clear on the things that drain you and the things that save you. You’re not here to people please and be nice all the time. We’ve all had to simply survive at one point or the other; but we can build, we can heal, we can elevate, and we can grow.
Grow with me. If you’d like to dive deeper, contact me! I have 1:1 coaching client spaces available, as well as my soul sister workshop; Vintage Wild Soul, a causal place to find and create epic support within a safe space.
I’ve been working on another layer of healing lately. Learning to really practice what I preach and drop into the body. We live in a disconnected society and often spend so much of our time abusing and belittling our bodies instead of bathing them in gratitude and love – and we are programmed to do so from a young age. I remember raising an eyebrow when I first heard this term. I mean, I was aware of meditation, breathing, and checking in to see how my body felt, but I had never gone deeper, not yet.
Now is the season of reclamation. Awaken. Plug into your inner knowing, there is no need to seek answers anywhere but within. You may have spent years buried by the conditioning of your parents, your society, your religion, your relationships, but those layers can be removed and your core, brightest self, is waiting for you patiently. Lovingly.
Drop into the body.
Get quiet. Be still. Feel into your belly, your womb space, your pussy. Remove judgement, focus.
Listen now. Just listen to the stillness.
Be aware of the thoughts that drift in and out of your mind, allowing them to pass by without any attachment.
Ask your body what a yes feels like. Today, a yes felt like a tingling in my womb area, leading down into my yoni, while a no felt like a little tightening in my lower back.
I sat still in meditation; being present in this moment, focusing on my breath.
In. Hold… And out.
Then I began to
Yes and no questions. Prodding my soul for answers, asking about timelines, situations, relationships, life…
My body firing answers back and forth within me; the energy danced from point to point as I planted deeper roots into my own truth. When I was finished, I thanked my sacred body for being a channel to my highest self, as I felt a warm feeling of love and gratitude surround her. This energy, this wisdom, this truth – my truth. These gifts are always available to me any time I desire or need them.
This magic is available to you as well, my queens. Your intuition, your love, your emotions are your super power.
All we have to do is slow down. Start with meditation, begin to hone in and be present in your body, tune into your feelings, into your heart. Journal, wrangle the thoughts that are running wild in your mind. Put them on paper, organize your goals, visualize where you want to go, who you want to grow into, what you need to work on, be honest with yourself, embrace your shadows and your light. Where are your energetic leaks? Who makes you feel good? Who makes you feel depleted? Take notice.
Hi, my name is Aura Lillian Joan and my sacral chakra is out of balance.
I have difficulty playing.
Sometimes I have a hard time experiencing pleasure and it’s something I’m really working on right now.
And sometimes I struggle with slowing down and being present.
The sacral chakra is your pleasure center; creativity and play, sensuality and beauty reside here. I’ve realized my sacral has been majorly out of balance for a long time. I forgot how to play, I felt insecure and sat on the side lines for such a long time. I struggled with relaxing so much that I couldn’t dance in the kitchen or jump in the pool with my kids. I was so overwhelmed with the concept that I had to be adult, perfect, polished, and composed at all times that I squashed my pleasure center like a bug and my sacral was denied and eventually baby stepped my way to shut down entirely.
I’ve come a long way this year. I feel more loving towards myself now than I ever have before, I feel more ME, more at ease, sexier – even with these love handles. Shit, especially with these love handles😏, but there is still much work to be done!
2020 has been my year of survival and growth, and it hasn’t always been pretty.
I have learned that many times our physical ailments are tied to spiritual misalignments. I denied my sexuality for my whole life, I forgot how to enjoy myself, I tried to be something I wasn’t, I cringed at the thought of being who I actually am. I have endometriosis, I struggled with infertility for many years, I held onto extra weight, wrestled with depression and forgot myself time and time again.
I’m realizing now that if I balance my sacral and focus on spending more time in pleasure and creation, some of these ailments will realign in my life and things will get better. Part of this really starts with self acceptance, no more denial. No more cringing when I call myself a lesbian, no more turning off my pleasure center because being a woman in my sexual power makes things awkward at home with my male partner. No more hiding in fear, no more insecurity.
Ownership and love reside here now.
Last night I sent a text to my partner that said, “We’re having a Halloween party as a family when I get home.” I turned on a Monster Mash Halloween playlist on Spotify when I parked the car in the driveway, stuffed my phone in my pocket and walked in the house with music blaring, candy, costumes, and pizza. Ava and I threw a plastic table cloth on the kitchen table, I dumped three bags of candy in the middle of the table, and we dug out the pumpkin carving tools. Jamming to Halloween music with my belly dancing jingle jangles on my hips, we danced, we laughed, we created a memory.
This is the medicine I need. The medicine we all need. Presence, fun, laughter, pleasure.
Tonight I plan on a self love bath with rose quarts, Epsom salts, my rose quartz yoni egg, and candles. Tuning into myself. Followed by a sacred circle and ritual with my sisters to honor my ancestors on Samhain with this glorious full moon in Taurus.
How are you bringing play, pleasure, and creativity into your life today? What lights you up?
I strive to love myself as deeply and wholly as I love everyone else and I hope you do too. Here’s to pleasure and play and a balanced sacral chakra.
I’m shifting again. -pause for twerk celebration- Stop right now and join in, for science; get the stagnant energy out and get the good vibrations flowing! Feel it move through you, the energy is rising and falling, swirling around in the body. Shake it all up! This is your shakti, your life force energy, your ki, prana, kundalini, whatever you want to call it…it’s in you like a snow globe, shake it!
This is the embodiment that is calling to my soul today. I had another bit of a breakthrough yesterday. An epiphany. I’ve been calling myself a mindset and empowerment coach which umbrellas over so many things, but now I’m feeling called to step into the role of embodiment coach as well. I want to embody the things I teach; I want to dive in so much deeper than before. Come with me.
My soul has been receiving a loud and clear call from my inner wild woman and for a while, I thought that was just a yearning for freedom and adventure, but what if we learned that we could tap into freedom and wildness within?
Hey Aura, you can fulfill this primal need within you. Stop feeling so restless. Tap into gratitude, okay? You’ve been a hermit in the mountains for long enough.
I’m experiencing a layer of ego death. While driving in the car with Ava last night, I talked about losing friends and how we are witnessing a “sorting” happening in history right now. Those that are awake and those that are asleep. One side stays in stagnation, repeating old patterns, getting wrapped up in negativity, limited beliefs and perspectives, and the other side twerks their butt off. Jk, but only a little.
I have realized that my journey is super strange if you’re on the outside looking in and I’ve also realized that I’m so comfortable with that, because my shift is literally not even about me at all. I have noticed that some people in my life are pulling back and that it’s surprisingly feeling so easy and comfortable for me to let those go, because what is meant for you cannot pass you and sometimes releasing old relationships that no longer serve your personal growth and vibration is a blessing. Drop the dead weight. I do not mean this in any way to sound callous, but if you are surrounding yourself with people that don’t vibe on your level, they are affecting your energetic field in one way or the other – they either uplift you or bring you down. I have spent my whole life trying to elevate people that were draining me of all my energy, now I’m patching up the leaks. I choose to grow and to surround myself with people that are also striving towards that growth mindset, and building this community my heart has always yearned for is like breathing fresh crisp air in the mountains for the first time.
A friend once told me how she was tired of getting to know people better, because it was always such a letdown. This is sad, but I totally feel it. I experienced a situation where I was feeling incredibly suspicious about someone; I easily tune into peoples’ intentions and emotional levels, so it’s easy for me to get a read on people. For a long time I diminished my own knowing, but now I unapologetically lean into it stronger than ever before. This is a blessing and a curse, because if I really want to jive with someone, I feel disappointed when I discover they’re not exactly who they appear to be, as none of us likely are at times – we’re all messy in our own ways. But then I realized that person was a mirror; I was feeling like they were fake, because I had been living under a façade my whole life in one way or the other. I was triggered by their ego, because my ego was still in full effect! I wanted credit for my growth, I wanted credit for how woke I was (lmao, I know), I disassociated from the fact that I craved to be the best, the most beautiful, the most talented, the most hospitable, the nicest, the coolest. Jeez, just writing that makes my stomach flip because that is so skeevy…yet so human. I was annoyed by how much this person would show up gunning for glory, because I was silently doing the exact same damn thing. I realized they were that way because of their own traumas and past, much like my own. They were trying to fake it ‘til they made it, just like I used to do for so long. I had a giant gapping hole in my heart and I was trying to fill it with outside validation, because I hadn’t learned how to complete myself yet. The ego must die. It is in no way my place to judge someone else on their own journey, because it has nothing to do with me, and we are all equally flawed and have room for growth always. I appreciate the lesson I learned from that experience and I wish that person so much peace, love, and fulfillment – from a distance. It’s okay to distance yourself from people that don’t help you grow. Your energetic field is real and it’s your right to protect it. Love them from a distance if that serves you.
Here’s the thing. It’s so easy to sit in our homes, judging the heck out of everyone else, but for what? When my toddler starts being the little wild baby that she is, I notice the judgement that may be sent my way and I deflect it right back to where it belongs, because that has nothing to do with me or my wild child and I know my parenting cannot be summed up in a 2 minute observation, lol. I have nothing to prove to anyone and I do not vie for approval anymore. It’s so freeing. It’s also an ebb and flow, some days I may feel solid and grounded AF, while other days I realize I’m human AF and need to release the resentment and defensiveness that comes up in my body, allowing it to move through me. I cannot express this enough, when the feelings arise, move and release them fully. Don’t allow those feelings to take control or bring you down long term. You’re in control, my love.
The evolution of self is such a beautiful thing. May we never look back on our lives and see that our views and thought processes have remained the same.
May we never look back on our lives and see that our views and thought processes have remained the same.
May we never look back on our lives and see that our views and thought processes have remained the same.
To some, I may look like a hippie dippie girl in the burbs, lost in the woo woo, and in her own little world. But the truth of the matter is, I’m found in the vastness of consciousness and possibility. I do not question my intuition anymore, it is stronger than ever and I will always follow and believe it over anything else. Finally. Finally, I’ve learned how to trust myself and recognize my own power, as we all can if we allow ourselves to surrender to our knowing. When another layer comes up for me to work on and heal, because there is always room to up-level and improve, I will work on that one too.
We’re so multifaceted and in such beautiful, diverse, and amazing stages of our lives that are so different from everyone else’s. I needed to realize that I’m an old soul, but not everyone is and that’s normal, beautiful, and perfectly okay. Feeling judgy about being more woke than someone else is truly just as absurd as an adult getting angry at a baby for not understanding English. I want to come at life with a general understanding that we are all in such different places and it’s not my duty to control anything but myself and my own development.
When I consider my inner wild woman, she is uninhibited by the judgment from others she knows have no say over her life. She is sovereign. She discards scarcity, societal programming, religious dogma, and limiting beliefs. My inner wolf howls to the moon and calls to her pack, she does not lose sleep over the opinions of sheep. My wolf is calling to be set free and she calls to those that are like her; to you perhaps. Join me, reach out, let’s connect, let’s be friends. Let’s talk about the moon, intuition, human design, sex magic, manifestation, witches, priestesses, shamanism, astrology beyond silly horoscopes, aliens, mushrooms, spirits and deities, let’s talk about your heartbreaks, your struggles, your desires, your shadows, let’s go deep. Let’s gather around a fire and howl at the moon.
I believe the assumptions that people only take selfies because they’re either insecure or full of themselves is, to be blunt, absolutely absurd. Let’s completely exterminate this toxic notion, shall we? Because that’s low vibe nonsense and we’re not doing that anymore. If you are triggered by others shining in their own radiance, I invite you to ask yourself why that is. And let me make this clear, I am not saying you must post selfies, do your makeup, or dress a certain way in order to feel empowered and love yourself, I am saying that empowerment looks different to everyone, live and let live, we are all so multi-faceted and unique and that’s the beauty of being human and divine.
Demonizing the notion that loving yourself and living as art is simply to seek outside approval, or else the extreme opposite in the shape of cocky, is so skewed. Why does a woman in her power make everyone so apprehensive? Why does it coax insecure men and woman out from the rocks they live underneath to spew negativity and low vibe energy? I have posted things to social media to receive judgement calls from people I never even speak to, why does my loving view of myself make people so uncomfortable? People have so much pain in their own hearts that they feel the need to break others down or talk badly behind their backs. Instead of slinging mud, do your own healing. You deserve it.
Women are taught to get caught in comparison, to look at each other as competitors, and the wounded masculine fears a woman that loves herself because she is much harder to control; they belittle her and call her insecure, they demonize her any way they can in attempts to knock her down and take her power away. And the worst part; it works more often than not. We shrink, at least I know I did for many years…
Now, I say hell TF no! Not. Any. More.
I’ve wasted enough of my life making myself smaller to ease the minds of people that are run by judgement and insecurities of their own. I send them love and wish them healing. I’m not here for any projections of feelings that don’t even belong to me. I love gassing up my clients, friends, and even strangers on the street; building them up. It feels good for them and it feels good for me.
We are a product of our conditioning. I know men don’t think they fear us, that may be deeper than they’re willing to go right now. When I began my current relationship, my partner would raise all kinds of hell over who I was until I lost all shine, I spent so much time trying not to rock the boat. He knew who I was when he met me, yet once he had me in his grasp and I lived states away from my home, possessiveness and jealousy began to rear their heads; years later, I didn’t even know who I was anymore. Fully disconnected. Looking back, I know that’s not what he intended, he had his own trauma to work through, his own conditioning, and his own wounding that made him feel the way he felt and treat me the way he did. I’m not making excuses for him, but we all have so much healing to do. We must proceed with compassion towards the self and others. Witnessing him in his own growth through the years has been remarkable and we grow wiser every day, if we allow ourselves to and work for it.
My background is riddled with vast emotional abuse and it takes a lot to reclaim yourself when you find your mind and body in such a disempowered state. If this sounds like you, I am with you as you work through anxiety and fear. It takes so much willpower to reframe your life and rebuild, learning it’s safe to trust yourself again. I had to come back to center and relearn who I was. Unapologetic selfies are a tiny part of the giant puzzle, as simple as that may sound, but change is created when all of the simple steps accumulate into a lifestyle as you reform your mindset and invest into your mental wellbeing. My Libra moon loves beauty, I live as art all the time. I giggled to myself when I wrote that, because it’s still dark outside as I’ve been up working since 4am; I’m in a robe, rocking bead head, and I’m a hot ass mess, but there is still beauty to be found here and I love stepping into the zone of becoming my own muse. The notion is so sexy to me.
When Amanda mocks me for getting done up, posting selfies, glowing up in my feminine radiance, showing my body shape that I adore, wearing “fancy” clothes (this counts as literally anything besides jeans and a Cabela’s t-shirt), or putting effort into myself (things I may do for my own mental health and well-being); all she appears to feel is her own insecurities, she is caught in comparison, not because I look better than her, I don’t, but because she cannot allow herself to do the same, her mental limitations that she has built around herself holds her back in the shape of judgement and insecurity. We are mirrors for each other. I understand that now, but for a long time, I didn’t. Years ago, I knew an old friend that would post selfies every day; same angle, same expression, and I always had some snarky comment to make about it to my partner. That was a reflection bouncing back to me of how I felt about myself, it had nothing to do with my friend at all. Does Amanda need to feel threatened? Absolutely not! She is golden, beautiful, worthy, and breathtaking in her own way, each of us are so unique. It reminds me of a tulip comparing herself to a daffodil. But we humans are funny sometimes, we get stuck in a rut that we never anticipated falling into in the first place. I wish her love and self-acceptance. Peace.
My first love was always music, I would sing in the kitchen as a child, delighted as my voice bounced off the vaulted ceilings, and I’d tell everyone that asked, “I’m gonna be a singer when I grow up!” As I got older, I turned to photography and expressed my art in that way. Teenage me loved nothing more than slinging my old Minolta over my shoulder and taking a walk through the woods to capture close ups of water droplets on leaves and tree bark. Self-portraits were always exciting, because I never knew what I’d get until I developed my images myself in the dark room. When I got my first little point and shoot digital camera, I loved to capture myself in pictures and I was so proud of this one…
I never thought I was the most beautiful girl in the world, in fact, I always disliked my nose, but it was a fun way to express my art and I have always seen beauty in everything, myself included…until I learned I was “supposed” to pick myself apart instead of focusing on the things I loved.
As I got older, I began to catch on that we weren’t supposed to enjoy ourselves, it meant you were arrogant and nothing was uglier than that, right? Humility in my upbringing wasn’t the healthy kind; it was the make-yourself-small kind, the sell-yourself-short kind, the spread-yourself-thin kind… Such is the way so many of us have been raised. This is the old paradigm. We need to deconstruct and rebuild; we need to re-evaluate the concept of confidence and self-love and strip away all negative connotations and judgements. Much of society is living in a deprecated quality of life. Numbness, disconnection, desensitized by years of conditioning that taught us as young girls to hate our bodies, to compare ourselves to photoshopped models, to consume products to make ourselves acceptable, and to gain love and approval through sex. Swapping energetics with anyone and everyone until we are so disconnected from our own bodies that we can’t even decipher what energy is our own and what isn’t. We’ve become numb to the concept of true value and wholesome love, to ourselves and often towards each other as well. I find this especially true in western society; we live fast, with instant gratification everywhere, so much is fake, the love we think is real might turn out to be codependency, we filter our lives to only put the best foot forward, we smile when we want to scream, we water ourselves down and camouflage our uniqueness, even the food we eat is fake. Pitted against each other, ridiculous beauty standards and false body image presets of what we’re supposed to like, strive towards, and be attracted to, on top of assumptions that we should play small, as to not make anyone else too uncomfortable.
We’re witnessing an amazing time in history unfold right now, it’s a mass deconstruction, the great realization, the age of Aquarius; people are shifting and changing, awakening. We’re learning more about the human mind, about energy, and more about our power – ancient wisdom that was lost and forgotten for a while. We’re changing the way we parent our kids; we’re learning how to reparent ourselves. It’s such a beautiful thing to witness the healing on a collective level.
Smash the patriarchy. Trash society’s hold over you. We are not property, objects, or toys to be displayed whenever other people deem it acceptable. We call our own shots now. Revel in your accomplishments, your wins, your beauty, your talents! Demolish the concept that you must put yourself down. Stop apologizing for existing. I see it all the time on social media; mass overshares of negative thoughts. Women post pictures and apologize for their lack of makeup, we feel the need to inform people ahead of time for not looking polished enough, for gaining weight, for being a mess. What if we just…stopped? What if we simply owned it?
A few years ago, I kept a note on my phone where I documented every single mean thought I had about myself. Yes, homes…you heard me. Every. Single. One. Anytime I’d notice some self-hate going on, I’d pull my phone out and write the time, what I was doing, and what the thought was. This sounds insane in the membrane, right? “10:32 am, I took a picture with the baby and saw my thumb in the corner, so I deleted it because my thumbs are the ugliest, widest, shortest, and most embarrassing things ever.” “10:35am, I saw my reflection in the toaster. I looked like Peter Griffin.” “10:36am, I chewed a muffin and spit it in the trash, because I didn’t want to swallow the calories. I’m so fat.” (more on eating disorders and body dysmorphia to come.) “10:40am, I was sitting on the floor with the baby and when I stood up, my butt print in the carpet from my ass was SO WIDE!!!” “10:42, I just spoke to the neighbor about running up the stairs on all fours like an animal, while letting the dogs out. Why am I so fling flang flung awkward?” LOL. You get the point. These memos were so close together, by the end of the week it was massively eye opening to see how much I was putting myself down. As the days went by, I noticed my entries became further apart; instead of 20 entries in an hour, I had 10, and eventually I had 10 in a week, and eventually I had 10 in a month, and now…I don’t screw around with negative self talk. Sure, I can recognize when my hair is a mess, I still have days where it’s a struggle to love my body, but I don’t dwell or beat myself up and down for being human anymore. I live with more self-compassion and that’s vital, my love. You deserve to speak to yourself the same way you’d speak to your best friend. When my inner mean girl tries to get to me now, I just give that bitch a shutthefuckupcake and move on. =)
Loving yourself is cool. Celebrate yourself. Selfie everyday, you don’t have to share them to social media, but take them for yourself if that feels good to you. Honor your body, love her, hold her with compassion and gratitude. Curb the negative self talk, curb the critical judgements of others, curb the need to be like everyone else and own your magic, whatever that may look like.
My two-year-old found a long pink tube of bubbles today. Delighted, she brought them to me, looking up at me with her big blue eyes, “Bubbles!!” she squealed. I unscrewed the cap and began blowing bubbles in the middle of my kitchen. She danced around in delight as she chased them, captivated by the glistening rainbows before they met their demise as she swiped at them with her perfect little hands.
This is when I noticed something interesting; she would fixate on one or two as they drew closer to the floor, eventually getting on her hands and knees to examine them closely, all while about 40 bubbles floated above and behind her. When I’d try to catch her attention to get her to look at them, she was too sidetracked. Baby girl would soon cry out over the two that popped on the floor, face twisting up, probably followed by an adorably and equally appalling toddler uttered f-bomb, but by the time she would turn back around, the others had already fallen and popped themselves.
We do this all the time. We chase “bubbles” and become so fixated on one thing that we end up missing opportunity elsewhere, and you know what? I don’t want to do that anymore. I don’t want to waste any more time allowing something trivial to consume my attention when there are bigger and more important things going on literally everywhere else around me.
Right here, right now: I choose to make conscious efforts not to become too preoccupied to notice the magic all around me, simply because I’m chasing one or two mediocre bubbles that are falling flat at my feet.
Perspective is a wild notion. Everything we perceive is through a filter created by our conditioning and past experiences. When perspective begins to shift, we see the same thing we’ve always seen, only now with so much more clarity and depth.
I sat in the stands of a Lizzo concert with my oldest daughter; shortly after I’d begun working through another intense layer of my spiritual awakening; this layer was titled, “Self-Love” and it was a long time coming. As I listened to Lizzo’s words, the queen of confidence and body love, I felt them rush through my heart and pump into my entire body. I felt her words more deeply than I had ever taken the time to previously grasp before. When I heard her speak, I finally understood her magical sense of self-love and I felt that love sink even deeper into my own body than I knew was imaginable. This was the liberation of reframed perspective. This was the liberation of not being defined by anyone else but yourself, not simply bending to the ways of how you’re told to think, this is what it felt like to choose you and to love every exhilarating minute of it.
I’ve spent a lot of my life with a crap perspective, we all do at one point or the other. I remember going to the grocery store with the most deterring energy that I could muster, and believe me, it was a lot of bad energy. I was so miserable, I walked around like a black hole – willing to take anyone down that got close enough, I didn’t want to talk to anyone, I would side-eye any man that would even consider approaching me in public, and I even scowled and turned my head away from the cute baby in the check out line in front of me. I was straight up not having a good time, guys. When I got back to my car, I saw my reflection in the driver’s side window and my shirt said, “Good Vibes”. I was literally a walking oxymoron. I was so focused on my own crap attitude that I projected that bad energy onto everyone else around me, while also looking like a total fraud. I was a total fraud. I was engrossed in the tiny circles of two popped bubbles that had landed on the floor at my feet.
There is a sense of beauty and freedom in backing off and looking at life from a bigger perspective. We will always learn more when we stop, collaborate, and listen. Ha, yep. But really, there is wisdom to be found everywhere and we don’t know everything. Keep your head up, baby.
“Vintage soul come take control I need you now more than ever before Vintage soul where did you go I need you now come show me how To break all of these walls down Help me get my feet on the ground Remind me who I am Vintage soul crave unruliness Vintage soul cravin’ wilderness Free me, come help me to let go!”
I wrote this song in the depths of grief. I was mourning the old me and she felt so far out of reach. Sometimes she still does, the journey of reclamation is never ending and I’m currently wading through another area of the same swamp that I thought I’d already made it out of. Such is the human experience. This is shadow work.
I wrote this song as a plea for her to return to me, but little did I know at the time that I was about to embark upon a journey to salvage her and I would find her myself. She had never actually gone anywhere, she was merely buried at my core by layer upon layer of survival mode… The age-old story that rings true for all of us to some degree.
Looking back on these words today, I feel hope knowing that I subconsciously saw through the broken remnants that life had left me in and that I naturally knew what I needed to put myself back together. You know in your core, in your heart of hearts, what you need. Listen.
I know in my core what I need.
But fear holds us complacent. This is painful to acknowledge, even as I type this now. I know what to do, I know what I need, I’ve been seeing all the signs, but sometimes I still choose fear. Sometimes I still choose to use I love you’s as bandaids, sometimes I still self-betray, sometimes I still feel lost, like I don’t know what the hell I’m even doing.
Tune in, Aura. You have the strength you need. Remember.
Your pain does not wrap up your story, your pain is not all there is left inside of you. Your sorrow is a gift to help you develop your strength and your character. You’re gold.
I once had a spark in me; long ago before all of the countless layers of trauma, narcissists, abuse, shame, minimizing… I had been brutalized by life in so many different ways, but the girl I missed felt free and she was lit up from the inside out, she was friendly, happy, unconditionally warm, confident, optimistic, open and loving, radiant. I felt wise beyond my years and I trusted myself. I wanted to embody her more than anything in the world. Sometimes when I reminisce about her; I get angry, resentful, and wish I could go back and do things differently, but that resentment is what’s causing stagnation. That’s just the human in me, but I can do better. Sometimes I get so stuck inside resentment that I curl up and live in there for a while before I remember that I am in control now, that I have much to be grateful for…
Aura, you are her. Gtfo of the resentment closet. I guess the closet has just become so easy and it feels safe to me by now…
But easy isn’t best.
Intuition is the most detrimental thing we can lose, yet it’s the most popular thing to disregard. Minimizers tell you that it’s all in your head, they try to tell you what to think instead, but you KNOW in your body and you can trust yourself. Lean into that trust. Depend on it like you never have before, cling to what feels right and move.
When I sat in front of my piano, slowly clinking away at the ivory keys as the words to this song poured from my heart, I was in agony. Some days that agony still resurfaces to remind me to stay humble, to keep healing, to fully embrace the pain as it expands my heart and furthers my growth. Digging this song out of my heart’s archives and finally recording it had me feeling so motivated by how far I’ve come since I wrote it. But as always, ebb and flow. I get knocked down despite how much I have grown – stand up. Keep standing up. Always stand back up.
I’m still learning how to stay grounded. My soul is still begging me to live authentically. And I’m still learning how to tune in and listen.
Vintage soul, come take control.
Repeat after me: Dear self, I love you unconditionally. I see you in your pain and in your happiness, both are lovable and acceptable.
No matter where you are in your journey, no matter how much you have self-betrayed in your life, reclaim what is yours. Reclaim your vintage soul.
I want to tap into my darkness and get cozy with it and I want to help other humans do the same. We’ve become so wrapped up in filters, attempting to perfect what we’ve been taught to hide and I’m fed up. I want to trash the room and shine a light on everything deep and dark.
I’m finally in a state of the rebellion that I’ve been accused of living in for my whole life. I wasn’t living in rebellion as a teenager when I left home or when I left the church. I wasn’t living in rebellion when I decided to get my first tattoo or when I left my ex-husband — forging my own path. I was deep in turmoil, deep in distress, deep in struggle many times over; the crucial metamorphosis that I needed to experience in order to develop my character, compassion, empathy, and experience. A rebirth.
This is the rebellion and I feel it resonate deep in my body. Deep in my soul. Deep in my life as my world rocks with each ebb and flow. A resounding vibration of mayhem is bubbling up from my soul, like a storm that I can no longer withhold. I’m vandalizing all concepts of “good”. I want to scream from the rooftops of how fed up I am of playing this societal Game that I never signed up for, recruited from the womb to march neatly, just like so.
I’m rebelling by finally choosing myself after a life of feeling unworthy. I’m rebelling by owning my darkness, my grit, and my rough edges that I am no longer inclined to file down. I’m embracing my scars, my fierceness, my magic, and my mysticism. I’m rebelling by showing up fully. I have no energy left for the facades.
I’ve devoured the old me, yet I’m still hungry for more.
Burn it down, phoenix. Burn it down and rise.
I love you always, even covered in ashes. Especially so…
I woke up this morning with a placid smile on my face, it’s September 1st! And tonight, is another luminous full moon, how perfect, the potent energy of this moon is calling in profound divine reconnection to self. Calling us to ground in and come back to center. We are shifting on a cellular level as a collective right now, the evolution in so many is undeniable and it’s a magnificent thing to witness.
The brisk air filtered in through my window as I laid in my bed, a layer of fog sauntered along the grassy hills, suspended softly like clouds. As I sit down at my computer this morning, tapping away at the keys, these words pour from my open heart and I feel rejuvenated. There is something so refreshing and enchanting about this time of year, the fresh air is already hinted with notes of bonfires and haybales. I can almost taste it.
Okay, I know, I know…it’s still technically summertime, and don’t get me wrong; I love bike rides in the sunshine, crystal clear lake water, and hiking beneath a canopy of maples, walnuts, and sycamore trees as golden rays of sunshine beam through the leaves – reminding us of all things whimsical and magic as laughter and gleeful screams bubble all around. But my cancer sun and rising soul thrives in this cool and tantalizing air, come with me for just a moment. Let me paint your mind with cozy blankets and sacred cacao in my favorite mug, as I write sensual and magical stories of awakening and love.
When I think about my most happiest of places, where I feel the most alive, it’s on a four-wheeler with a dented thermos of hot chocolate strapped to the hood. Red, yellow, and orange leaves, green pines and ferns whip past me in a blur as I ascend through the hills that call to my yearning heart. Cool wind in my face, Canadian air in my lungs, and the exhilarating rush in my chest as I fly down the trails. My soul craves for those northern hills more than anything.
September is the beginning, the doorway into that magical place where things begin to turn inward. And inward is where I’m called to be these days.
We spend so much of our valuable time in summer-like expectations that we set for ourselves; produce, produce, produce, energy on high, on the move, hustle and grind – we have become so wrapped up in our heads that we often forget to drop into the body, how to feel. We’ve been tricked into thinking that summer is the only acceptable season for us and we lack self-compassion when our soul yearns for us to nurture it and go inward towards hibernation, calling us to release things that no longer serve us, begging for old patterns to be put to death. If our world is allowed to produce and rest, so are you. We must.
I’ve begun to look at my life similarly the Mother’s earthly seasons. We are one, so beautifully and intricately connected to the plants, the animals, the moon… It makes perfect sense that we would ebb and flow, just like the ocean’s powerful tides. I realized that sometimes you have to bare it all in order to come back to earth to propagate your roots into the rich soil of the Mother, She is always there to lovingly guide us back home to ourselves to become centered once again.
Today I challenge you to drop into your magnificent body. Take a moment to lovingly document the things you love about it. Check in with a mental body scan, compassionately noticing how it feels and reacts to things throughout the day. I promise it will tell you things you didn’t notice before, but above all else, wield your thoughts and inner reflections with self-love and compassion, note where you need to rest and where you have the capacity to expand.