The hardest times produce the most growth, just ask the butterflies.

Aura Henre, spoken while happy and feeling free.

I said this yesterday, but it rings truer today, in this moment. Because in this moment, this place is a shit show!

As a parent to strong willed toddlers, do you ever feel like you’re just about to fucking lose it? I held M today, totally dissociating from my body as she screamed bloody murder (for…who knows how long, I lost time) trying to hold space and allow her the freedom to get it all out.

But inwardly, I had so many awful thoughts drifting in and out:

I just need to drop this kid on the couch and smash my head into a wall.

I just want to get in my car and disappear forever. Freedom!

I hate being a parent, why did I fucking do this shit?

Take a breath with me now. Ready? Phew.

We are not our thoughts or our emotions.
They drift in and out.
They come and go.
They do not define us.

I do love being a parent, I do love my family, and I’m not going anywhere. I also do need a break from time to time, because we all do and we’re all going through shit and it’s difficult.

Heavy clouds of smoke are billowing through my house right now, because I saged TF out of this bitch. My attempts and grasps for any shred of sanity. I’m not watering it down, I’m not toning down my language, this is real life and this is how I feel. So what am I supposed to learn through this experience? What do I need to heal? How can I grow through this season of my life? How can I find peace in the chaos? How can I ground in? I’m spending some time journaling through these questions this week.

This is real.

Listen, mama. You’re not alone. I am love and light AND I am pain and darkness, because you can’t only have one or the other. We are equally human AND divinity. We have these days and it’s real, being a parent is really hard, being a human is really hard too. We need to give ourselves grace and remind ourselves that it’s okay to feel the feelings, get them out, move them through and then move forward. Release the mom-guilt, release the need to be perfect, release the concept that we can only be polished and must hide the rest under bated breath. We’re not here to preform, we’re doing our best.

Take a breath and ground in. Come back to center.

You’re doing a really good job.

I want to speak to the hearts of those that crave to be seen and heard. I want to embrace the women that feel lost, empty, broken, and alone.

Because I feel that.
I’m her.
I have been her for my entire life.

This journey back home to myself is never ending. I heal, dig up old patterns, heal some more, revisit traumas, heal again, layer, after layer, after layer… I don’t speak eloquently like all of the other coaches and mentors. I don’t have the woke lingo down pat. I don’t always have the perfect words to spin into art to ease your aching spirit, but I love you with all of my heart and soul.

I see you. I feel you. I am you.

My intention is set. My motives are raw. I have been so broken, so lost, so far away from my true self at times that I understand what it’s like, I understand how it hurts. I have spent most of my life in self betrayal, trying to fit the molds created for other people, other bodies, other genders, other roles that were never meant for me. I’ve changed myself so many times through the years to gain approval. Trying to form fit into religions, relationships, friendships, jobs…just to be the “right” thing.

Enough.

I know how much it hurts to always give yourself away. To hand the reigns of your life over to others that don’t deserve to drive, or even know what’s best. Only I know that. Only YOU know that. We are the drivers of our lives, take back the control. Yes, we may lose some approval along the way, but nothing is more fulfilling than finding the approval of SELF.

Release the judgement towards yourself. Aura, are you listening? Release the judgement towards yourself. Life is full of ebbs and flows; we rise, we fall, we bloom in the spring, we go inward in the fall. This is our cyclical nature, be kind to yourself. We can’t run at max speed 100% of the time, we’re not wired that way. Go inward when getting the message loud and clear to do so. When wounded, go treat the infection. When feeling depleted, seek nourishment. When running ragged, take care of YOU.


This is what the journey back home to my true self looks like. It’s not all palo santo and clicking away at the keys of my computer as I write self-proclaimed philosophical musings, it’s not recording guided meditations, or doing yoga and clean eating. Sometimes it’s waking up feeling low, feeling insecure, not good enough. Sometimes it means getting to the nitty gritty, facing all the shit I try to hide from the world, facing my failures and then realizing that those feelings of defeat aren’t even failures at all, but leveling up opportunities. Take something from every stumble, learn from the pitfalls, be humble and continue building.


Today I choose to release the judgement. I choose to love myself even if I accomplish nothing and eat 4 churro cheesecake bars, even after the whole day passes and I haven’t spent any of my time in meditation, even when I feel bad for not responding to emails because I’m feeling depressed. I am human. I don’t only feel the light and fluffy emotions. I feel it all.

Today I choose not to be sorry for being human and I hope you can do the same, because we’re all in this together.


I love you.

Hi, my name is Aura Lillian Joan and my sacral chakra is out of balance.

I have difficulty playing.

Sometimes I have a hard time experiencing pleasure and it’s something I’m really working on right now.

And sometimes I struggle with slowing down and being present.

The sacral chakra is your pleasure center; creativity and play, sensuality and beauty reside here. I’ve realized my sacral has been majorly out of balance for a long time. I forgot how to play, I felt insecure and sat on the side lines for such a long time. I struggled with relaxing so much that I couldn’t dance in the kitchen or jump in the pool with my kids. I was so overwhelmed with the concept that I had to be adult, perfect, polished, and composed at all times that I squashed my pleasure center like a bug and my sacral was denied and eventually baby stepped my way to shut down entirely.

I’ve come a long way this year. I feel more loving towards myself now than I ever have before, I feel more ME, more at ease, sexier – even with these love handles. Shit, especially with these love handles😏, but there is still much work to be done!

2020 has been my year of survival and growth, and it hasn’t always been pretty.

I have learned that many times our physical ailments are tied to spiritual misalignments. I denied my sexuality for my whole life, I forgot how to enjoy myself, I tried to be something I wasn’t, I cringed at the thought of being who I actually am. I have endometriosis, I struggled with infertility for many years, I held onto extra weight, wrestled with depression and forgot myself time and time again.

I’m realizing now that if I balance my sacral and focus on spending more time in pleasure and creation, some of these ailments will realign in my life and things will get better. Part of this really starts with self acceptance, no more denial. No more cringing when I call myself a lesbian, no more turning off my pleasure center because being a woman in my sexual power makes things awkward at home with my male partner. No more hiding in fear, no more insecurity.

Ownership and love reside here now.

Last night I sent a text to my partner that said, “We’re having a Halloween party as a family when I get home.” I turned on a Monster Mash Halloween playlist on Spotify when I parked the car in the driveway, stuffed my phone in my pocket and walked in the house with music blaring, candy, costumes, and pizza. Ava and I threw a plastic table cloth on the kitchen table, I dumped three bags of candy in the middle of the table, and we dug out the pumpkin carving tools. Jamming to Halloween music with my belly dancing jingle jangles on my hips, we danced, we laughed, we created a memory.

This is the medicine I need. The medicine we all need. Presence, fun, laughter, pleasure.

Tonight I plan on a self love bath with rose quarts, Epsom salts, my rose quartz yoni egg, and candles. Tuning into myself. Followed by a sacred circle and ritual with my sisters to honor my ancestors on Samhain with this glorious full moon in Taurus.

How are you bringing play, pleasure, and creativity into your life today? What lights you up?

I strive to love myself as deeply and wholly as I love everyone else and I hope you do too. Here’s to pleasure and play and a balanced sacral chakra.

I love you to the full moon and back, my loves.