This time last year I was journaling about my yearning for community. I was new on my journey home to myself and I felt isolated. I wanted more, I wanted to make a difference, I wanted to grow and heal from my past, I wanted to have purpose and feel fulfilled, I wanted to build more confidence and love for myself, I wanted to speak my truth and help others do the same, I wanted to explore spirituality without religion and deepen my connection to self and Source.
Today, I write that short recap of goals with a little smile on my face, because I feel like I’ve called all of those things into my life in better ways than I even knew possible at the time when I wrote it.
In 2020 I finished coaching school and found my people. I found family from all across the world that want me to succeed and win. I have developed and began cultivating new skills, new passions, new talents, new friends, and I’ve gotten cozier at home with myself than I ever have been before. I began apprenticing at a tattoo shop that feels like home with a unique vibe that can’t be found anywhere else. I weave magick into my daily life and into my work every day. I feel good about the journey. It’s been easy, it’s been hard, it’s been beautiful, and it’s been ugly. Such is the journey. Today I face things head on with more fire than I even knew was burning within me. I have done things that scared me all year long and I didn’t die from facing any of those fears; from owning my own truth like never before, to standing my ground and learning how to express anger, forgiveness, and everything in between.
I’m thankful for 2020. I’m thankful for every mentor that has truly changed my life this year; Olivia Seline, Julie Parker, Dawn Thompson, Jess Wagner, Lauren Kester, Lizzy Jeff, and Erica Rose. So many amazing women have touched my life this year. I’m so thankful for you.
Here’s to 2021, nothing but growing pains and growing gains!
I didn’t expect the feelings I felt as I watched this old tattoo on my wrist disappear…
I felt a little choked up.
I felt a little freedom.
I felt ready to move forward.
I also felt sad as old memories flooded me, I found myself reaching back to comfort those past versions of myself as they crumbled in my memories, each in such different phases of life.
“Thank you for getting me here. We’re good. We made it through. We’re so strong. I love you.”
On the surface, this was just one of my earliest tattoos that wasn’t very good, the French lettering was spelled wrong, but the intention of the original tattoo was, “Let Go.”
Before I got this tattoo, a phone call interrupted one of my self harm sessions. I was sitting on the floor flirting with the idea of going deeper.
So tired of pretending.
So tired of shape shifting.
I felt so caged.
I was born and raised to be fearful and my fear of death held me in check. This practice helped me find a release in a world where I had to keep every natural thing about myself on lock, unless they were considered “acceptable” behavior or “proper” feelings.
– Shut it down unless it’s nice –
We’ve all felt this.
When that call came through, I received the news that my friend had felt the same, only he escaped this life. After he passed away, I vowed to myself to stop self harming. I got this tattoo and kept that promise to myself for several years…
During the worst year of my life, I found myself sitting on the floor in the kitchen. Hardly able to see through blurry tears, holding a shard of glass from my broken coffee pot after it had been smashed. I felt empty, hopeless, and like I could never recover or reclaim my life as my own. I felt entirely out of control, I felt owned by an abusive partner. I started to dig the glass into my wrist and push deeper when Ava’s face popped into my mind. Things were always the worst whenever she was away at her dad’s. “Thank goodness.” I contemplated that she would be safe and taken care of and I kept pushing and slashing the glass deeper still; scaring my tattoo and breaking my early promise to myself. This broken promise was interrupted by accusations that I was just being dramatic and mockery for, “doing it wrong.”
When I look back at the girl, lost and alone on both occasions; I remember her hopelessness, I feel her pain, and I remember what it felt like to be powerless.
I do not feel powerless today. I do not feel caged, I feel free.
I feel liberated by the closing of that chapter in my life. I know who I am, where I’m going, and who’s on my team. Every struggle is a metamorphosis for something.
And I’m starting to realize that I can fucking fly.
So can you.
You are writing your own story, if you’re not happy with the way things are, how can you change it? What needs to be burned to the ground? What quenches your thirst for life? What feeds your soul? Get clear on the things that drain you and the things that save you. You’re not here to people please and be nice all the time. We’ve all had to simply survive at one point or the other; but we can build, we can heal, we can elevate, and we can grow.
Grow with me. If you’d like to dive deeper, contact me! I have 1:1 coaching client spaces available, as well as my soul sister workshop; Vintage Wild Soul, a causal place to find and create epic support within a safe space.
The hardest times produce the most growth, just ask the butterflies.
Aura Henre, spoken while happy and feeling free.
I said this yesterday, but it rings truer today, in this moment. Because in this moment, this place is a shit show!
As a parent to strong willed toddlers, do you ever feel like you’re just about to fucking lose it? I held M today, totally dissociating from my body as she screamed bloody murder (for…who knows how long, I lost time) trying to hold space and allow her the freedom to get it all out.
But inwardly, I had so many awful thoughts drifting in and out:
I just need to drop this kid on the couch and smash my head into a wall.
I just want to get in my car and disappear forever. Freedom!
I hate being a parent, why did I fucking do this shit?
Take a breath with me now. Ready? Phew.
We are not our thoughts or our emotions. They drift in and out. They come and go. They do not define us.
I do love being a parent, I do love my family, and I’m not going anywhere. I also do need a break from time to time, because we all do and we’re all going through shit and it’s difficult.
Heavy clouds of smoke are billowing through my house right now, because I saged TF out of this bitch. My attempts and grasps for any shred of sanity. I’m not watering it down, I’m not toning down my language, this is real life and this is how I feel. So what am I supposed to learn through this experience? What do I need to heal? How can I grow through this season of my life? How can I find peace in the chaos? How can I ground in? I’m spending some time journaling through these questions this week.
This is real.
Listen, mama. You’re not alone. I am love and light AND I am pain and darkness, because you can’t only have one or the other. We are equally human AND divinity. We have these days and it’s real, being a parent is really hard, being a human is really hard too. We need to give ourselves grace and remind ourselves that it’s okay to feel the feelings, get them out, move them through and then move forward. Release the mom-guilt, release the need to be perfect, release the concept that we can only be polished and must hide the rest under bated breath. We’re not here to preform, we’re doing our best.
I’ve been working on another layer of healing lately. Learning to really practice what I preach and drop into the body. We live in a disconnected society and often spend so much of our time abusing and belittling our bodies instead of bathing them in gratitude and love – and we are programmed to do so from a young age. I remember raising an eyebrow when I first heard this term. I mean, I was aware of meditation, breathing, and checking in to see how my body felt, but I had never gone deeper, not yet.
Now is the season of reclamation. Awaken. Plug into your inner knowing, there is no need to seek answers anywhere but within. You may have spent years buried by the conditioning of your parents, your society, your religion, your relationships, but those layers can be removed and your core, brightest self, is waiting for you patiently. Lovingly.
Drop into the body.
Get quiet. Be still. Feel into your belly, your womb space, your pussy. Remove judgement, focus.
Listen now. Just listen to the stillness.
Be aware of the thoughts that drift in and out of your mind, allowing them to pass by without any attachment.
Ask your body what a yes feels like. Today, a yes felt like a tingling in my womb area, leading down into my yoni, while a no felt like a little tightening in my lower back.
I sat still in meditation; being present in this moment, focusing on my breath.
In. Hold… And out.
Then I began to
Yes and no questions. Prodding my soul for answers, asking about timelines, situations, relationships, life…
My body firing answers back and forth within me; the energy danced from point to point as I planted deeper roots into my own truth. When I was finished, I thanked my sacred body for being a channel to my highest self, as I felt a warm feeling of love and gratitude surround her. This energy, this wisdom, this truth – my truth. These gifts are always available to me any time I desire or need them.
This magic is available to you as well, my queens. Your intuition, your love, your emotions are your super power.
All we have to do is slow down. Start with meditation, begin to hone in and be present in your body, tune into your feelings, into your heart. Journal, wrangle the thoughts that are running wild in your mind. Put them on paper, organize your goals, visualize where you want to go, who you want to grow into, what you need to work on, be honest with yourself, embrace your shadows and your light. Where are your energetic leaks? Who makes you feel good? Who makes you feel depleted? Take notice.
Carving pumpkins is one of my favorite Halloween traditions. A festive art project. This year I decided to go in without a plan and to carve intuitively and the result was the Devine Feminine; rising from the flames. A goddess rising – as a Phoenix rises from the ashes.
This is the perfect representation of the feminine in today’s society. We are witnessing a mass sorting, as a collective many of us are waking up to our power. We’re discovering how messed up things have been for a long time. Witnessing the growth in myself as I watch old tv shows or movies, because old paradigms are being rewired in my mind. Change is in the air and I invite you to question the norms you’re presented with every day.
I am no longer driven by fear, I no longer fall to the lies that we should play small or diminish our greatness to appease people stuck in comparison, habits of self hate, or control. Society has been poisoned by patriarchy. A construct to control and divide, an unnatural hierarchy that was never intended. We are blessed with diversity and connection, yet white patriarchal mindsets have tried so hard to diminish our gifts, our intuition, our wisdom. Narcissists have told us we can’t trust our intuition and we have believed them for far too long.
I am the Devine Femme.
I am in my power.
I am in control of the direction my life takes,
I am the driver.
I am the creator.
I am coming from a place of victimization, wounds, hurts, limiting beliefs, and fear, but I am no longer defined by these things.
I no longer choose to abide by societal rules or fear mongering.
I will not betray my body or tear Her down.
I will not pretend to be weak or unhappy when I am strong and fierce in my power, my magic, my manifestations, my biz, my love for myself and those around me, I am a warrior woman with a desire to live authentically wild and free.
I am the wolf that howls at the moon.
I am a wild horse running free.
I am a wild cat in the mountains.
I know exactly who I am. I was incarnated to create, to speak, to sing, to scream. I am a wild force to be reckoned with and I will not apologize. I raise fierce daughters who will not fall for your tricks or your lies. My sisterhood is strong and unbreakable, we rally up behind one another and raise each other up as we thrive, achieve, win, and build. We celebrate each other’s wins, we hustle and we rest and one is no more acceptable than the other.
We are one, we collaborate, we don’t fall for the sisterhood wound, we do not play those games.
We channel goddess energy, priestess energy – my queens.
I honor my sacred body, I am not ashamed of my sensuality, it is my super power. I will not fall to the concepts that have demonized and diminished my magic to something so frivolous and surface level when I run deep, deep, deeper… No one holds ownership of my curves or my softness. I am sovereign.
Hi, my name is Aura Lillian Joan and my sacral chakra is out of balance.
I have difficulty playing.
Sometimes I have a hard time experiencing pleasure and it’s something I’m really working on right now.
And sometimes I struggle with slowing down and being present.
The sacral chakra is your pleasure center; creativity and play, sensuality and beauty reside here. I’ve realized my sacral has been majorly out of balance for a long time. I forgot how to play, I felt insecure and sat on the side lines for such a long time. I struggled with relaxing so much that I couldn’t dance in the kitchen or jump in the pool with my kids. I was so overwhelmed with the concept that I had to be adult, perfect, polished, and composed at all times that I squashed my pleasure center like a bug and my sacral was denied and eventually baby stepped my way to shut down entirely.
I’ve come a long way this year. I feel more loving towards myself now than I ever have before, I feel more ME, more at ease, sexier – even with these love handles. Shit, especially with these love handles😏, but there is still much work to be done!
2020 has been my year of survival and growth, and it hasn’t always been pretty.
I have learned that many times our physical ailments are tied to spiritual misalignments. I denied my sexuality for my whole life, I forgot how to enjoy myself, I tried to be something I wasn’t, I cringed at the thought of being who I actually am. I have endometriosis, I struggled with infertility for many years, I held onto extra weight, wrestled with depression and forgot myself time and time again.
I’m realizing now that if I balance my sacral and focus on spending more time in pleasure and creation, some of these ailments will realign in my life and things will get better. Part of this really starts with self acceptance, no more denial. No more cringing when I call myself a lesbian, no more turning off my pleasure center because being a woman in my sexual power makes things awkward at home with my male partner. No more hiding in fear, no more insecurity.
Ownership and love reside here now.
Last night I sent a text to my partner that said, “We’re having a Halloween party as a family when I get home.” I turned on a Monster Mash Halloween playlist on Spotify when I parked the car in the driveway, stuffed my phone in my pocket and walked in the house with music blaring, candy, costumes, and pizza. Ava and I threw a plastic table cloth on the kitchen table, I dumped three bags of candy in the middle of the table, and we dug out the pumpkin carving tools. Jamming to Halloween music with my belly dancing jingle jangles on my hips, we danced, we laughed, we created a memory.
This is the medicine I need. The medicine we all need. Presence, fun, laughter, pleasure.
Tonight I plan on a self love bath with rose quarts, Epsom salts, my rose quartz yoni egg, and candles. Tuning into myself. Followed by a sacred circle and ritual with my sisters to honor my ancestors on Samhain with this glorious full moon in Taurus.
How are you bringing play, pleasure, and creativity into your life today? What lights you up?
I strive to love myself as deeply and wholly as I love everyone else and I hope you do too. Here’s to pleasure and play and a balanced sacral chakra.
I’m shifting again. -pause for twerk celebration- Stop right now and join in, for science; get the stagnant energy out and get the good vibrations flowing! Feel it move through you, the energy is rising and falling, swirling around in the body. Shake it all up! This is your shakti, your life force energy, your ki, prana, kundalini, whatever you want to call it…it’s in you like a snow globe, shake it!
This is the embodiment that is calling to my soul today. I had another bit of a breakthrough yesterday. An epiphany. I’ve been calling myself a mindset and empowerment coach which umbrellas over so many things, but now I’m feeling called to step into the role of embodiment coach as well. I want to embody the things I teach; I want to dive in so much deeper than before. Come with me.
My soul has been receiving a loud and clear call from my inner wild woman and for a while, I thought that was just a yearning for freedom and adventure, but what if we learned that we could tap into freedom and wildness within?
Hey Aura, you can fulfill this primal need within you. Stop feeling so restless. Tap into gratitude, okay? You’ve been a hermit in the mountains for long enough.
I’m experiencing a layer of ego death. While driving in the car with Ava last night, I talked about losing friends and how we are witnessing a “sorting” happening in history right now. Those that are awake and those that are asleep. One side stays in stagnation, repeating old patterns, getting wrapped up in negativity, limited beliefs and perspectives, and the other side twerks their butt off. Jk, but only a little.
I have realized that my journey is super strange if you’re on the outside looking in and I’ve also realized that I’m so comfortable with that, because my shift is literally not even about me at all. I have noticed that some people in my life are pulling back and that it’s surprisingly feeling so easy and comfortable for me to let those go, because what is meant for you cannot pass you and sometimes releasing old relationships that no longer serve your personal growth and vibration is a blessing. Drop the dead weight. I do not mean this in any way to sound callous, but if you are surrounding yourself with people that don’t vibe on your level, they are affecting your energetic field in one way or the other – they either uplift you or bring you down. I have spent my whole life trying to elevate people that were draining me of all my energy, now I’m patching up the leaks. I choose to grow and to surround myself with people that are also striving towards that growth mindset, and building this community my heart has always yearned for is like breathing fresh crisp air in the mountains for the first time.
A friend once told me how she was tired of getting to know people better, because it was always such a letdown. This is sad, but I totally feel it. I experienced a situation where I was feeling incredibly suspicious about someone; I easily tune into peoples’ intentions and emotional levels, so it’s easy for me to get a read on people. For a long time I diminished my own knowing, but now I unapologetically lean into it stronger than ever before. This is a blessing and a curse, because if I really want to jive with someone, I feel disappointed when I discover they’re not exactly who they appear to be, as none of us likely are at times – we’re all messy in our own ways. But then I realized that person was a mirror; I was feeling like they were fake, because I had been living under a façade my whole life in one way or the other. I was triggered by their ego, because my ego was still in full effect! I wanted credit for my growth, I wanted credit for how woke I was (lmao, I know), I disassociated from the fact that I craved to be the best, the most beautiful, the most talented, the most hospitable, the nicest, the coolest. Jeez, just writing that makes my stomach flip because that is so skeevy…yet so human. I was annoyed by how much this person would show up gunning for glory, because I was silently doing the exact same damn thing. I realized they were that way because of their own traumas and past, much like my own. They were trying to fake it ‘til they made it, just like I used to do for so long. I had a giant gapping hole in my heart and I was trying to fill it with outside validation, because I hadn’t learned how to complete myself yet. The ego must die. It is in no way my place to judge someone else on their own journey, because it has nothing to do with me, and we are all equally flawed and have room for growth always. I appreciate the lesson I learned from that experience and I wish that person so much peace, love, and fulfillment – from a distance. It’s okay to distance yourself from people that don’t help you grow. Your energetic field is real and it’s your right to protect it. Love them from a distance if that serves you.
Here’s the thing. It’s so easy to sit in our homes, judging the heck out of everyone else, but for what? When my toddler starts being the little wild baby that she is, I notice the judgement that may be sent my way and I deflect it right back to where it belongs, because that has nothing to do with me or my wild child and I know my parenting cannot be summed up in a 2 minute observation, lol. I have nothing to prove to anyone and I do not vie for approval anymore. It’s so freeing. It’s also an ebb and flow, some days I may feel solid and grounded AF, while other days I realize I’m human AF and need to release the resentment and defensiveness that comes up in my body, allowing it to move through me. I cannot express this enough, when the feelings arise, move and release them fully. Don’t allow those feelings to take control or bring you down long term. You’re in control, my love.
The evolution of self is such a beautiful thing. May we never look back on our lives and see that our views and thought processes have remained the same.
May we never look back on our lives and see that our views and thought processes have remained the same.
May we never look back on our lives and see that our views and thought processes have remained the same.
To some, I may look like a hippie dippie girl in the burbs, lost in the woo woo, and in her own little world. But the truth of the matter is, I’m found in the vastness of consciousness and possibility. I do not question my intuition anymore, it is stronger than ever and I will always follow and believe it over anything else. Finally. Finally, I’ve learned how to trust myself and recognize my own power, as we all can if we allow ourselves to surrender to our knowing. When another layer comes up for me to work on and heal, because there is always room to up-level and improve, I will work on that one too.
We’re so multifaceted and in such beautiful, diverse, and amazing stages of our lives that are so different from everyone else’s. I needed to realize that I’m an old soul, but not everyone is and that’s normal, beautiful, and perfectly okay. Feeling judgy about being more woke than someone else is truly just as absurd as an adult getting angry at a baby for not understanding English. I want to come at life with a general understanding that we are all in such different places and it’s not my duty to control anything but myself and my own development.
When I consider my inner wild woman, she is uninhibited by the judgment from others she knows have no say over her life. She is sovereign. She discards scarcity, societal programming, religious dogma, and limiting beliefs. My inner wolf howls to the moon and calls to her pack, she does not lose sleep over the opinions of sheep. My wolf is calling to be set free and she calls to those that are like her; to you perhaps. Join me, reach out, let’s connect, let’s be friends. Let’s talk about the moon, intuition, human design, sex magic, manifestation, witches, priestesses, shamanism, astrology beyond silly horoscopes, aliens, mushrooms, spirits and deities, let’s talk about your heartbreaks, your struggles, your desires, your shadows, let’s go deep. Let’s gather around a fire and howl at the moon.
Oof, the energy this week has been a wild ride so far, am I right?
I have flipped through my journal from the past week and I sound like a crazy person with how much my emotions rise and dip like billowing waves in an angry sea, because my soul is just as deep. One day I feel solid, like I’ve really made some headway and feel good about the direction things are going in. Then suddenly, I have blurry tear stained words, agonizing over how angry and suppressed I feel – this was followed by a real live explosion that came flooding out of my body in the shape of bitterness and frustration, pent up anger. Later, I was writing gratitude lists for all of the support and love in my life, feeling lighter after my extreme outburst. And the next thing I know, I’m writing about how much I’m yearning to run off to be a lone wolf and solitary witch in the woods; growing my own herb and making friends with the woodland creatures, living in a van by the river.
(Hear me out for a moment – A hand painted van, white twinkle lights hung inside, lace curtains, a cozy bed in the back, a fire with a kettle of hot water for my cacao, freedom, adventure, solitude. Oh my god…heaven, but I digress.)
I used to be so ashamed of my wide range of emotions. I dissociated from them for most of my life under the guise of being cool and laid back. I didn’t understand that it was okay to feel all the things. I knew not to express anger or any of the “negative” emotions. I was raised to be good, be nice, be easy going, be quiet…meek. I developed a cooler than cool mentality, because that was the way I buried my emotions. I have always been highly intuitive and sensitive (Cancer sun/cancer rising much? Yes, hi.) and I was antagonized for “sulking” a lot as a kid. I wasn’t supported through my low points, but was instead shamed for them and treated like an annoyance, “Are you done being a witch?” –> Jesus prefers this replacement for bitch. It was quite an eye opener for me to realize how this kind of upbringing was so normal – in myself, when I took a step back and realized I also began to invalidate my daughter’s feelings. “Be nice!”, “Control your emotions.” This style of parenting was what I knew, and my parenting has been a work-in-progress towards consciousness as I’ve leaned into holding space, instead of reacting and taking ownership of her feelings. Feelings that are hers to express.
When I left religion as a kid, I remember meeting new people “in the real world” as I tried to build a new support system anywhere I could find one. Shielding any of my new friends from my past was part of my gig, I didn’t think people would accept the outcast girl that I was. I was currently being shunned from everyone I once knew, I was homeschooled for a long time, and severely sheltered my whole life. I felt like a freak…so I pretended I’d always been one of them. Normal. I never spoke of my past and it slowly slipped from my memories. Play it cool so they won’t know where you’re coming from. And that’s exactly what I did. Looking back now, I definitely don’t think that was necessary and I probably would have avoided a lot of dangerous situations if I didn’t think I had to play along so hard, but such is life and I am grateful for the experiences that helped shape me into the woman I am today. This is the healing journey.
Repressing emotions and denying our feelings, and in essence – ourselves, is so toxic to our wellbeing. When we bury our heads in the sand, building thick walls around ourselves, acting like we’re too good to acknowledge that we’re not robots, refusing to express our emotions – emotions that are there for a valid reason, they can build up within us until they metastasize into physical diseases or eventually come out like a burning hot volcanic spray of word vomit, and often times – both. For me, repressing my emotions turned into self harm, then anorexia and intense depression that rocked most of my adult life, which then lead to substance abuse and more dissociated behavior, pushing the limits and trying to gain validation through sex, selling myself short and accepting abusive behavior from others until I realized everything needed to be burned down and rebuilt. Do not allow guilt or shame to put you in a bad place when you can honor the journey with self-compassion and love instead.
Mantra: I honor the ebb and flow. The rise and falls that have shaped me into who I am. I’m thankful for the lessons life has taught me. I’m coming full circle to embrace and love myself through all of my emotions and expressions. I am safe to feel and express myself.
We’re all so multifaceted. The beauty of being human is that we get to explore all the things, all the feelings, all the emotions. We get to have infinite experiences in life that effect and change us greatly as we evolve. We don’t have to choose to be just one genre of human, we live through it all, gleaning depth and experience along the way. This journey is wild; it’s just as ugly as it is beautiful, but without the pain and sadness, we wouldn’t appreciate the beauty.
I challenge you to honor yourself and your emotions today. Feel everything as deeply as you can right now, dig in deep. Express yourself, be heard, and release it…all the good, the bad, and the ugly. You are so supported and seen as you maneuver whatever your struggle may be. You would be shocked to hear the things your fellow neighbors and peers are going through; we all have a lot of hidden turmoil to weather behind the scenes. I value you and your struggle, as I value my own. I honor the ebb and flow. I honor my humanity, highs and lows included. I do not strive to be a dull shade of grey in between black and white for my entire life. I will not choose to be complacent, non-confrontational, or laid back if I do not feel that way in my heart. I will be every single motherlovin’ shade of grey for all of my days.
I believe the assumptions that people only take selfies because they’re either insecure or full of themselves is, to be blunt, absolutely absurd. Let’s completely exterminate this toxic notion, shall we? Because that’s low vibe nonsense and we’re not doing that anymore. If you are triggered by others shining in their own radiance, I invite you to ask yourself why that is. And let me make this clear, I am not saying you must post selfies, do your makeup, or dress a certain way in order to feel empowered and love yourself, I am saying that empowerment looks different to everyone, live and let live, we are all so multi-faceted and unique and that’s the beauty of being human and divine.
Demonizing the notion that loving yourself and living as art is simply to seek outside approval, or else the extreme opposite in the shape of cocky, is so skewed. Why does a woman in her power make everyone so apprehensive? Why does it coax insecure men and woman out from the rocks they live underneath to spew negativity and low vibe energy? I have posted things to social media to receive judgement calls from people I never even speak to, why does my loving view of myself make people so uncomfortable? People have so much pain in their own hearts that they feel the need to break others down or talk badly behind their backs. Instead of slinging mud, do your own healing. You deserve it.
Women are taught to get caught in comparison, to look at each other as competitors, and the wounded masculine fears a woman that loves herself because she is much harder to control; they belittle her and call her insecure, they demonize her any way they can in attempts to knock her down and take her power away. And the worst part; it works more often than not. We shrink, at least I know I did for many years…
Now, I say hell TF no! Not. Any. More.
I’ve wasted enough of my life making myself smaller to ease the minds of people that are run by judgement and insecurities of their own. I send them love and wish them healing. I’m not here for any projections of feelings that don’t even belong to me. I love gassing up my clients, friends, and even strangers on the street; building them up. It feels good for them and it feels good for me.
We are a product of our conditioning. I know men don’t think they fear us, that may be deeper than they’re willing to go right now. When I began my current relationship, my partner would raise all kinds of hell over who I was until I lost all shine, I spent so much time trying not to rock the boat. He knew who I was when he met me, yet once he had me in his grasp and I lived states away from my home, possessiveness and jealousy began to rear their heads; years later, I didn’t even know who I was anymore. Fully disconnected. Looking back, I know that’s not what he intended, he had his own trauma to work through, his own conditioning, and his own wounding that made him feel the way he felt and treat me the way he did. I’m not making excuses for him, but we all have so much healing to do. We must proceed with compassion towards the self and others. Witnessing him in his own growth through the years has been remarkable and we grow wiser every day, if we allow ourselves to and work for it.
My background is riddled with vast emotional abuse and it takes a lot to reclaim yourself when you find your mind and body in such a disempowered state. If this sounds like you, I am with you as you work through anxiety and fear. It takes so much willpower to reframe your life and rebuild, learning it’s safe to trust yourself again. I had to come back to center and relearn who I was. Unapologetic selfies are a tiny part of the giant puzzle, as simple as that may sound, but change is created when all of the simple steps accumulate into a lifestyle as you reform your mindset and invest into your mental wellbeing. My Libra moon loves beauty, I live as art all the time. I giggled to myself when I wrote that, because it’s still dark outside as I’ve been up working since 4am; I’m in a robe, rocking bead head, and I’m a hot ass mess, but there is still beauty to be found here and I love stepping into the zone of becoming my own muse. The notion is so sexy to me.
When Amanda mocks me for getting done up, posting selfies, glowing up in my feminine radiance, showing my body shape that I adore, wearing “fancy” clothes (this counts as literally anything besides jeans and a Cabela’s t-shirt), or putting effort into myself (things I may do for my own mental health and well-being); all she appears to feel is her own insecurities, she is caught in comparison, not because I look better than her, I don’t, but because she cannot allow herself to do the same, her mental limitations that she has built around herself holds her back in the shape of judgement and insecurity. We are mirrors for each other. I understand that now, but for a long time, I didn’t. Years ago, I knew an old friend that would post selfies every day; same angle, same expression, and I always had some snarky comment to make about it to my partner. That was a reflection bouncing back to me of how I felt about myself, it had nothing to do with my friend at all. Does Amanda need to feel threatened? Absolutely not! She is golden, beautiful, worthy, and breathtaking in her own way, each of us are so unique. It reminds me of a tulip comparing herself to a daffodil. But we humans are funny sometimes, we get stuck in a rut that we never anticipated falling into in the first place. I wish her love and self-acceptance. Peace.
My first love was always music, I would sing in the kitchen as a child, delighted as my voice bounced off the vaulted ceilings, and I’d tell everyone that asked, “I’m gonna be a singer when I grow up!” As I got older, I turned to photography and expressed my art in that way. Teenage me loved nothing more than slinging my old Minolta over my shoulder and taking a walk through the woods to capture close ups of water droplets on leaves and tree bark. Self-portraits were always exciting, because I never knew what I’d get until I developed my images myself in the dark room. When I got my first little point and shoot digital camera, I loved to capture myself in pictures and I was so proud of this one…
I never thought I was the most beautiful girl in the world, in fact, I always disliked my nose, but it was a fun way to express my art and I have always seen beauty in everything, myself included…until I learned I was “supposed” to pick myself apart instead of focusing on the things I loved.
As I got older, I began to catch on that we weren’t supposed to enjoy ourselves, it meant you were arrogant and nothing was uglier than that, right? Humility in my upbringing wasn’t the healthy kind; it was the make-yourself-small kind, the sell-yourself-short kind, the spread-yourself-thin kind… Such is the way so many of us have been raised. This is the old paradigm. We need to deconstruct and rebuild; we need to re-evaluate the concept of confidence and self-love and strip away all negative connotations and judgements. Much of society is living in a deprecated quality of life. Numbness, disconnection, desensitized by years of conditioning that taught us as young girls to hate our bodies, to compare ourselves to photoshopped models, to consume products to make ourselves acceptable, and to gain love and approval through sex. Swapping energetics with anyone and everyone until we are so disconnected from our own bodies that we can’t even decipher what energy is our own and what isn’t. We’ve become numb to the concept of true value and wholesome love, to ourselves and often towards each other as well. I find this especially true in western society; we live fast, with instant gratification everywhere, so much is fake, the love we think is real might turn out to be codependency, we filter our lives to only put the best foot forward, we smile when we want to scream, we water ourselves down and camouflage our uniqueness, even the food we eat is fake. Pitted against each other, ridiculous beauty standards and false body image presets of what we’re supposed to like, strive towards, and be attracted to, on top of assumptions that we should play small, as to not make anyone else too uncomfortable.
We’re witnessing an amazing time in history unfold right now, it’s a mass deconstruction, the great realization, the age of Aquarius; people are shifting and changing, awakening. We’re learning more about the human mind, about energy, and more about our power – ancient wisdom that was lost and forgotten for a while. We’re changing the way we parent our kids; we’re learning how to reparent ourselves. It’s such a beautiful thing to witness the healing on a collective level.
Smash the patriarchy. Trash society’s hold over you. We are not property, objects, or toys to be displayed whenever other people deem it acceptable. We call our own shots now. Revel in your accomplishments, your wins, your beauty, your talents! Demolish the concept that you must put yourself down. Stop apologizing for existing. I see it all the time on social media; mass overshares of negative thoughts. Women post pictures and apologize for their lack of makeup, we feel the need to inform people ahead of time for not looking polished enough, for gaining weight, for being a mess. What if we just…stopped? What if we simply owned it?
A few years ago, I kept a note on my phone where I documented every single mean thought I had about myself. Yes, homes…you heard me. Every. Single. One. Anytime I’d notice some self-hate going on, I’d pull my phone out and write the time, what I was doing, and what the thought was. This sounds insane in the membrane, right? “10:32 am, I took a picture with the baby and saw my thumb in the corner, so I deleted it because my thumbs are the ugliest, widest, shortest, and most embarrassing things ever.” “10:35am, I saw my reflection in the toaster. I looked like Peter Griffin.” “10:36am, I chewed a muffin and spit it in the trash, because I didn’t want to swallow the calories. I’m so fat.” (more on eating disorders and body dysmorphia to come.) “10:40am, I was sitting on the floor with the baby and when I stood up, my butt print in the carpet from my ass was SO WIDE!!!” “10:42, I just spoke to the neighbor about running up the stairs on all fours like an animal, while letting the dogs out. Why am I so fling flang flung awkward?” LOL. You get the point. These memos were so close together, by the end of the week it was massively eye opening to see how much I was putting myself down. As the days went by, I noticed my entries became further apart; instead of 20 entries in an hour, I had 10, and eventually I had 10 in a week, and eventually I had 10 in a month, and now…I don’t screw around with negative self talk. Sure, I can recognize when my hair is a mess, I still have days where it’s a struggle to love my body, but I don’t dwell or beat myself up and down for being human anymore. I live with more self-compassion and that’s vital, my love. You deserve to speak to yourself the same way you’d speak to your best friend. When my inner mean girl tries to get to me now, I just give that bitch a shutthefuckupcake and move on. =)
Loving yourself is cool. Celebrate yourself. Selfie everyday, you don’t have to share them to social media, but take them for yourself if that feels good to you. Honor your body, love her, hold her with compassion and gratitude. Curb the negative self talk, curb the critical judgements of others, curb the need to be like everyone else and own your magic, whatever that may look like.