Growing up in the 90’s and 2000’s, I was always holding myself to the standards of Monica and Rachel from Friends. Not to mention, all of my friends were smaller than me and I was always caught in comparison. I grew up thinking rail thin was the ideal and I strived to accomplish that ideal through years of disordered eating. My first boyfriend glamorized feeling my hip bones as an armrest once I started starving myself and it was all history from there on out. I would look in the mirror and suck in my stomach to see my entire ribcage, cringing over how fat I was.
This is where I reach back in my memories and lovingly hold that wounded young girl and say, “Child, it’s okay to love yourself. You’re beautiful and you don’t have to be like everyone else to be worthy of happiness or self love. You’re not defined by anyone else but your own joy. You’re gonna really love those hips you’ve got one day.”
I find it interesting looking back on that now, because I notice the type of women that I’m attracted to today and they’re all women with a similar body type to my own, which is totally ironic, because every now and then I still find my mind attempting to repeat patterns by telling myself that model thin is still the ideal.
Girl, bye. All bodies are fire.
This entire post is inspired by a quick IG scroll and some very thin legs that made my mind go, “I wish my legs looked like that.” I’m all lower half; I’m a curvy girl with thick legs and hips for days. Immediately I thought, why did I just think that? I’m personally attracted to curves and softness, why do I forget and still fall into old patterns of comparison? I’d never want any woman to feel less than for simply being different than someone else. Chocolate cake and cherry pie are both delish and one is not more acceptable than the other, they’re simply different. Just like a woman in a 00 is no more superior to a full figured woman in a size 20, or vice versa. All are exquisite in their own forms. While I get mad that I rubbed the thighs out of yet another pair of leggings, someone else is wishing they could fill out their jeans in the first place. We all have different body image struggles, but what if we shifted this perspective and started gassing ourselves and each other up instead?
Baby girl, be kind to yourself. We all struggle, but why? Who taught us to compare? Personally, I think without patriarchy, we’d probably be a lot more accepting and loving to ourselves, because we never would have grown up thinking we were simply eye candy for men, but I digress… I think this is why lesbians are so damn powerful, they don’t apologize for their natural bodies as much, because they don’t play by the same rules and I ADORE THAT.
Our bodies are not apologies and I hate that sometimes I feel guilty for existing as the “wrong thing” but this is part of the growing process, the healing journey home to SELF, and the growth mindset work I’ve been doing.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the concept that one body type is ideal over any other is simply absurd. Just because we’ve all been told what to think doesn’t mean we have to obey!👈
Love handles are sexy af, soft bellies are my favorite, your thin long legs for days are amazing and you look like a statue, and that juicy ass is everything. We all have stretch marks and cellulite no matter how big or how small, we all have insecurities, and we’re ALL bangin’.🔥
I love that you’re a real live human being.
I love that I am too.
Just a little reminder.🥰
///// I challenge you to comment something underground that you love about yourself or others. I’m not talking mainstream thinking of giant tits and lips, though who doesn’t love those! I’m talking the real.
I’m a fan of love handles on the hips. They didn’t get their name on accident. 😉
I didn’t expect the feelings I felt as I watched this old tattoo on my wrist disappear…
I felt a little choked up.
I felt a little freedom.
I felt ready to move forward.
I also felt sad as old memories flooded me, I found myself reaching back to comfort those past versions of myself as they crumbled in my memories, each in such different phases of life.
“Thank you for getting me here. We’re good. We made it through. We’re so strong. I love you.”
On the surface, this was just one of my earliest tattoos that wasn’t very good, the French lettering was spelled wrong, but the intention of the original tattoo was, “Let Go.”
Before I got this tattoo, a phone call interrupted one of my self harm sessions. I was sitting on the floor flirting with the idea of going deeper.
So tired of pretending.
So tired of shape shifting.
I felt so caged.
I was born and raised to be fearful and my fear of death held me in check. This practice helped me find a release in a world where I had to keep every natural thing about myself on lock, unless they were considered “acceptable” behavior or “proper” feelings.
– Shut it down unless it’s nice –
We’ve all felt this.
When that call came through, I received the news that my friend had felt the same, only he escaped this life. After he passed away, I vowed to myself to stop self harming. I got this tattoo and kept that promise to myself for several years…
During the worst year of my life, I found myself sitting on the floor in the kitchen. Hardly able to see through blurry tears, holding a shard of glass from my broken coffee pot after it had been smashed. I felt empty, hopeless, and like I could never recover or reclaim my life as my own. I felt entirely out of control, I felt owned by an abusive partner. I started to dig the glass into my wrist and push deeper when Ava’s face popped into my mind. Things were always the worst whenever she was away at her dad’s. “Thank goodness.” I contemplated that she would be safe and taken care of and I kept pushing and slashing the glass deeper still; scaring my tattoo and breaking my early promise to myself. This broken promise was interrupted by accusations that I was just being dramatic and mockery for, “doing it wrong.”
When I look back at the girl, lost and alone on both occasions; I remember her hopelessness, I feel her pain, and I remember what it felt like to be powerless.
I do not feel powerless today. I do not feel caged, I feel free.
I feel liberated by the closing of that chapter in my life. I know who I am, where I’m going, and who’s on my team. Every struggle is a metamorphosis for something.
And I’m starting to realize that I can fucking fly.
So can you.
You are writing your own story, if you’re not happy with the way things are, how can you change it? What needs to be burned to the ground? What quenches your thirst for life? What feeds your soul? Get clear on the things that drain you and the things that save you. You’re not here to people please and be nice all the time. We’ve all had to simply survive at one point or the other; but we can build, we can heal, we can elevate, and we can grow.
Grow with me. If you’d like to dive deeper, contact me! I have 1:1 coaching client spaces available, as well as my soul sister workshop; Vintage Wild Soul, a causal place to find and create epic support within a safe space.
Carving pumpkins is one of my favorite Halloween traditions. A festive art project. This year I decided to go in without a plan and to carve intuitively and the result was the Devine Feminine; rising from the flames. A goddess rising – as a Phoenix rises from the ashes.
This is the perfect representation of the feminine in today’s society. We are witnessing a mass sorting, as a collective many of us are waking up to our power. We’re discovering how messed up things have been for a long time. Witnessing the growth in myself as I watch old tv shows or movies, because old paradigms are being rewired in my mind. Change is in the air and I invite you to question the norms you’re presented with every day.
I am no longer driven by fear, I no longer fall to the lies that we should play small or diminish our greatness to appease people stuck in comparison, habits of self hate, or control. Society has been poisoned by patriarchy. A construct to control and divide, an unnatural hierarchy that was never intended. We are blessed with diversity and connection, yet white patriarchal mindsets have tried so hard to diminish our gifts, our intuition, our wisdom. Narcissists have told us we can’t trust our intuition and we have believed them for far too long.
I am the Devine Femme.
I am in my power.
I am in control of the direction my life takes,
I am the driver.
I am the creator.
I am coming from a place of victimization, wounds, hurts, limiting beliefs, and fear, but I am no longer defined by these things.
I no longer choose to abide by societal rules or fear mongering.
I will not betray my body or tear Her down.
I will not pretend to be weak or unhappy when I am strong and fierce in my power, my magic, my manifestations, my biz, my love for myself and those around me, I am a warrior woman with a desire to live authentically wild and free.
I am the wolf that howls at the moon.
I am a wild horse running free.
I am a wild cat in the mountains.
I know exactly who I am. I was incarnated to create, to speak, to sing, to scream. I am a wild force to be reckoned with and I will not apologize. I raise fierce daughters who will not fall for your tricks or your lies. My sisterhood is strong and unbreakable, we rally up behind one another and raise each other up as we thrive, achieve, win, and build. We celebrate each other’s wins, we hustle and we rest and one is no more acceptable than the other.
We are one, we collaborate, we don’t fall for the sisterhood wound, we do not play those games.
We channel goddess energy, priestess energy – my queens.
I honor my sacred body, I am not ashamed of my sensuality, it is my super power. I will not fall to the concepts that have demonized and diminished my magic to something so frivolous and surface level when I run deep, deep, deeper… No one holds ownership of my curves or my softness. I am sovereign.
I’m shifting again. -pause for twerk celebration- Stop right now and join in, for science; get the stagnant energy out and get the good vibrations flowing! Feel it move through you, the energy is rising and falling, swirling around in the body. Shake it all up! This is your shakti, your life force energy, your ki, prana, kundalini, whatever you want to call it…it’s in you like a snow globe, shake it!
This is the embodiment that is calling to my soul today. I had another bit of a breakthrough yesterday. An epiphany. I’ve been calling myself a mindset and empowerment coach which umbrellas over so many things, but now I’m feeling called to step into the role of embodiment coach as well. I want to embody the things I teach; I want to dive in so much deeper than before. Come with me.
My soul has been receiving a loud and clear call from my inner wild woman and for a while, I thought that was just a yearning for freedom and adventure, but what if we learned that we could tap into freedom and wildness within?
Hey Aura, you can fulfill this primal need within you. Stop feeling so restless. Tap into gratitude, okay? You’ve been a hermit in the mountains for long enough.
I’m experiencing a layer of ego death. While driving in the car with Ava last night, I talked about losing friends and how we are witnessing a “sorting” happening in history right now. Those that are awake and those that are asleep. One side stays in stagnation, repeating old patterns, getting wrapped up in negativity, limited beliefs and perspectives, and the other side twerks their butt off. Jk, but only a little.
I have realized that my journey is super strange if you’re on the outside looking in and I’ve also realized that I’m so comfortable with that, because my shift is literally not even about me at all. I have noticed that some people in my life are pulling back and that it’s surprisingly feeling so easy and comfortable for me to let those go, because what is meant for you cannot pass you and sometimes releasing old relationships that no longer serve your personal growth and vibration is a blessing. Drop the dead weight. I do not mean this in any way to sound callous, but if you are surrounding yourself with people that don’t vibe on your level, they are affecting your energetic field in one way or the other – they either uplift you or bring you down. I have spent my whole life trying to elevate people that were draining me of all my energy, now I’m patching up the leaks. I choose to grow and to surround myself with people that are also striving towards that growth mindset, and building this community my heart has always yearned for is like breathing fresh crisp air in the mountains for the first time.
A friend once told me how she was tired of getting to know people better, because it was always such a letdown. This is sad, but I totally feel it. I experienced a situation where I was feeling incredibly suspicious about someone; I easily tune into peoples’ intentions and emotional levels, so it’s easy for me to get a read on people. For a long time I diminished my own knowing, but now I unapologetically lean into it stronger than ever before. This is a blessing and a curse, because if I really want to jive with someone, I feel disappointed when I discover they’re not exactly who they appear to be, as none of us likely are at times – we’re all messy in our own ways. But then I realized that person was a mirror; I was feeling like they were fake, because I had been living under a façade my whole life in one way or the other. I was triggered by their ego, because my ego was still in full effect! I wanted credit for my growth, I wanted credit for how woke I was (lmao, I know), I disassociated from the fact that I craved to be the best, the most beautiful, the most talented, the most hospitable, the nicest, the coolest. Jeez, just writing that makes my stomach flip because that is so skeevy…yet so human. I was annoyed by how much this person would show up gunning for glory, because I was silently doing the exact same damn thing. I realized they were that way because of their own traumas and past, much like my own. They were trying to fake it ‘til they made it, just like I used to do for so long. I had a giant gapping hole in my heart and I was trying to fill it with outside validation, because I hadn’t learned how to complete myself yet. The ego must die. It is in no way my place to judge someone else on their own journey, because it has nothing to do with me, and we are all equally flawed and have room for growth always. I appreciate the lesson I learned from that experience and I wish that person so much peace, love, and fulfillment – from a distance. It’s okay to distance yourself from people that don’t help you grow. Your energetic field is real and it’s your right to protect it. Love them from a distance if that serves you.
Here’s the thing. It’s so easy to sit in our homes, judging the heck out of everyone else, but for what? When my toddler starts being the little wild baby that she is, I notice the judgement that may be sent my way and I deflect it right back to where it belongs, because that has nothing to do with me or my wild child and I know my parenting cannot be summed up in a 2 minute observation, lol. I have nothing to prove to anyone and I do not vie for approval anymore. It’s so freeing. It’s also an ebb and flow, some days I may feel solid and grounded AF, while other days I realize I’m human AF and need to release the resentment and defensiveness that comes up in my body, allowing it to move through me. I cannot express this enough, when the feelings arise, move and release them fully. Don’t allow those feelings to take control or bring you down long term. You’re in control, my love.
The evolution of self is such a beautiful thing. May we never look back on our lives and see that our views and thought processes have remained the same.
May we never look back on our lives and see that our views and thought processes have remained the same.
May we never look back on our lives and see that our views and thought processes have remained the same.
To some, I may look like a hippie dippie girl in the burbs, lost in the woo woo, and in her own little world. But the truth of the matter is, I’m found in the vastness of consciousness and possibility. I do not question my intuition anymore, it is stronger than ever and I will always follow and believe it over anything else. Finally. Finally, I’ve learned how to trust myself and recognize my own power, as we all can if we allow ourselves to surrender to our knowing. When another layer comes up for me to work on and heal, because there is always room to up-level and improve, I will work on that one too.
We’re so multifaceted and in such beautiful, diverse, and amazing stages of our lives that are so different from everyone else’s. I needed to realize that I’m an old soul, but not everyone is and that’s normal, beautiful, and perfectly okay. Feeling judgy about being more woke than someone else is truly just as absurd as an adult getting angry at a baby for not understanding English. I want to come at life with a general understanding that we are all in such different places and it’s not my duty to control anything but myself and my own development.
When I consider my inner wild woman, she is uninhibited by the judgment from others she knows have no say over her life. She is sovereign. She discards scarcity, societal programming, religious dogma, and limiting beliefs. My inner wolf howls to the moon and calls to her pack, she does not lose sleep over the opinions of sheep. My wolf is calling to be set free and she calls to those that are like her; to you perhaps. Join me, reach out, let’s connect, let’s be friends. Let’s talk about the moon, intuition, human design, sex magic, manifestation, witches, priestesses, shamanism, astrology beyond silly horoscopes, aliens, mushrooms, spirits and deities, let’s talk about your heartbreaks, your struggles, your desires, your shadows, let’s go deep. Let’s gather around a fire and howl at the moon.
Oof, the energy this week has been a wild ride so far, am I right?
I have flipped through my journal from the past week and I sound like a crazy person with how much my emotions rise and dip like billowing waves in an angry sea, because my soul is just as deep. One day I feel solid, like I’ve really made some headway and feel good about the direction things are going in. Then suddenly, I have blurry tear stained words, agonizing over how angry and suppressed I feel – this was followed by a real live explosion that came flooding out of my body in the shape of bitterness and frustration, pent up anger. Later, I was writing gratitude lists for all of the support and love in my life, feeling lighter after my extreme outburst. And the next thing I know, I’m writing about how much I’m yearning to run off to be a lone wolf and solitary witch in the woods; growing my own herb and making friends with the woodland creatures, living in a van by the river.
(Hear me out for a moment – A hand painted van, white twinkle lights hung inside, lace curtains, a cozy bed in the back, a fire with a kettle of hot water for my cacao, freedom, adventure, solitude. Oh my god…heaven, but I digress.)
I used to be so ashamed of my wide range of emotions. I dissociated from them for most of my life under the guise of being cool and laid back. I didn’t understand that it was okay to feel all the things. I knew not to express anger or any of the “negative” emotions. I was raised to be good, be nice, be easy going, be quiet…meek. I developed a cooler than cool mentality, because that was the way I buried my emotions. I have always been highly intuitive and sensitive (Cancer sun/cancer rising much? Yes, hi.) and I was antagonized for “sulking” a lot as a kid. I wasn’t supported through my low points, but was instead shamed for them and treated like an annoyance, “Are you done being a witch?” –> Jesus prefers this replacement for bitch. It was quite an eye opener for me to realize how this kind of upbringing was so normal – in myself, when I took a step back and realized I also began to invalidate my daughter’s feelings. “Be nice!”, “Control your emotions.” This style of parenting was what I knew, and my parenting has been a work-in-progress towards consciousness as I’ve leaned into holding space, instead of reacting and taking ownership of her feelings. Feelings that are hers to express.
When I left religion as a kid, I remember meeting new people “in the real world” as I tried to build a new support system anywhere I could find one. Shielding any of my new friends from my past was part of my gig, I didn’t think people would accept the outcast girl that I was. I was currently being shunned from everyone I once knew, I was homeschooled for a long time, and severely sheltered my whole life. I felt like a freak…so I pretended I’d always been one of them. Normal. I never spoke of my past and it slowly slipped from my memories. Play it cool so they won’t know where you’re coming from. And that’s exactly what I did. Looking back now, I definitely don’t think that was necessary and I probably would have avoided a lot of dangerous situations if I didn’t think I had to play along so hard, but such is life and I am grateful for the experiences that helped shape me into the woman I am today. This is the healing journey.
Repressing emotions and denying our feelings, and in essence – ourselves, is so toxic to our wellbeing. When we bury our heads in the sand, building thick walls around ourselves, acting like we’re too good to acknowledge that we’re not robots, refusing to express our emotions – emotions that are there for a valid reason, they can build up within us until they metastasize into physical diseases or eventually come out like a burning hot volcanic spray of word vomit, and often times – both. For me, repressing my emotions turned into self harm, then anorexia and intense depression that rocked most of my adult life, which then lead to substance abuse and more dissociated behavior, pushing the limits and trying to gain validation through sex, selling myself short and accepting abusive behavior from others until I realized everything needed to be burned down and rebuilt. Do not allow guilt or shame to put you in a bad place when you can honor the journey with self-compassion and love instead.
Mantra: I honor the ebb and flow. The rise and falls that have shaped me into who I am. I’m thankful for the lessons life has taught me. I’m coming full circle to embrace and love myself through all of my emotions and expressions. I am safe to feel and express myself.
We’re all so multifaceted. The beauty of being human is that we get to explore all the things, all the feelings, all the emotions. We get to have infinite experiences in life that effect and change us greatly as we evolve. We don’t have to choose to be just one genre of human, we live through it all, gleaning depth and experience along the way. This journey is wild; it’s just as ugly as it is beautiful, but without the pain and sadness, we wouldn’t appreciate the beauty.
I challenge you to honor yourself and your emotions today. Feel everything as deeply as you can right now, dig in deep. Express yourself, be heard, and release it…all the good, the bad, and the ugly. You are so supported and seen as you maneuver whatever your struggle may be. You would be shocked to hear the things your fellow neighbors and peers are going through; we all have a lot of hidden turmoil to weather behind the scenes. I value you and your struggle, as I value my own. I honor the ebb and flow. I honor my humanity, highs and lows included. I do not strive to be a dull shade of grey in between black and white for my entire life. I will not choose to be complacent, non-confrontational, or laid back if I do not feel that way in my heart. I will be every single motherlovin’ shade of grey for all of my days.
I am devoted to gratitude. The heart quenching elixir of the Universe. I want to drink it in and bathe in it. When we want to call in more amazing magic and goodness into our lives, gratitude is the key. I know it’s hard not to get wrapped up in negativity or feelings of lack sometimes, but it’s a trap. Let gratitude consume you.
Whether it be the perfect matcha latte in your own kitchen, the extra hour of sleep you got over the weekend, your cat purring happily on your chest as you read a great book, the satisfaction and contentment of building your dream life with your soul-mate, or launching your own business – feeling liberation and freedom. Nothing is too big or too small. Welcome all of the juicy abundance into your heart, fueling your soul.
What beauty surrounds you? Get high on gratitude with me.
In this moment…
I feel at peace, aligned, though we ebb and flow, for now I choose to be present with these high frequencies, those brilliant feel-good vibrations. The angels surround me and support me, breathing abundance into my lungs. I know I can create anything I need. I know I am moving in the right direction. I’m thankful for this moment of clarity and release.
I’m thankful for the courage to express myself, my truth, and for the opportunity to move through the emotions that went along with that truth. For a long time, I hid behind a hard, outer shell; a fear shell, an emotionally unavailable shell, a victim shell. I couldn’t feel anger for many years, I just lived in sadness and expressed it as numbness, allowing it to build into resentment. I’m growing now, learning to express and feel more deeply, and the growth is measurable when I can sit here today feeling more at ease, knowing I weathered another storm and yet here I stand, wiser.
I’m grateful for all of the amazing humans on this planet that are doing their part to be conscious, spreading love and healing like magic in the atmosphere, I can feel them. Casting ego to the side and living with empathy and integrity. I see these souls shining brightly in the world, standing out from all the rest and they make me feel at home. I’m so thankful for community, sisterhood, knowledge, and collaboration. We rise together and it’s beautiful.
I’m thankful to the people that have shown me their true colors; teaching me lessons of self-love, worthiness, and boundaries. I honor these experiences and notice that I am healing. I step into my truth and choose to live with purpose and life. I feel liberated and at ease with myself and others.
I’m thankful for the mountains; they call to me and I am filled with wonder, reminded of the adventure and mystery that is yet to come in my life, yet to be explored. Life is so full of twists and turns and I can’t wait to experience them. I breathe in the forest and am reminded of my wildness, my connection to the earth, the plants, the animals, the moon. And each other.
I’m rushed with gratitude for the many humans I’ve crossed paths with in my life, learning new information and forming new experiences. I’m shifting my perspective and finding hope instead of despair. There is so much beauty to be found in the hearts of those around us, we just get blinded by the darkness and we shield our eyes from the light. Take the blinders off, don’t fixate on scarcity. Fixate on abundance, the choice is yours.
I’m thankful that my toddler napped today, giving me the opportunity to tune into ritual. To ground in, to feel deeply and be present, calling in guidance and inspiration to write what my soul needed to express. To decorate my ears with sound and cleanse the air with smoke. To tune into Spirit and remind myself that I am one with all that I AM.
I’m so honored to be trusted by each and every one of my clients, they amazing me every single day with their immense growth and drive to better their lives. Gifting themselves with love and compassion. I’m so thankful to be a witness to their golden truths and celebrate their wins. These beautiful souls lift up my own, we build each other up and grow together.
I’m so thankful for you. For your support throughout my journey and for your own motivation to do your own growing and expanding. I think you are so capable of anything and worthy of love and affirmation. I see you fully, I love you deeply, and I honor your journey. Thank you for being part of mine. ❤
I believe the assumptions that people only take selfies because they’re either insecure or full of themselves is, to be blunt, absolutely absurd. Let’s completely exterminate this toxic notion, shall we? Because that’s low vibe nonsense and we’re not doing that anymore. If you are triggered by others shining in their own radiance, I invite you to ask yourself why that is. And let me make this clear, I am not saying you must post selfies, do your makeup, or dress a certain way in order to feel empowered and love yourself, I am saying that empowerment looks different to everyone, live and let live, we are all so multi-faceted and unique and that’s the beauty of being human and divine.
Demonizing the notion that loving yourself and living as art is simply to seek outside approval, or else the extreme opposite in the shape of cocky, is so skewed. Why does a woman in her power make everyone so apprehensive? Why does it coax insecure men and woman out from the rocks they live underneath to spew negativity and low vibe energy? I have posted things to social media to receive judgement calls from people I never even speak to, why does my loving view of myself make people so uncomfortable? People have so much pain in their own hearts that they feel the need to break others down or talk badly behind their backs. Instead of slinging mud, do your own healing. You deserve it.
Women are taught to get caught in comparison, to look at each other as competitors, and the wounded masculine fears a woman that loves herself because she is much harder to control; they belittle her and call her insecure, they demonize her any way they can in attempts to knock her down and take her power away. And the worst part; it works more often than not. We shrink, at least I know I did for many years…
Now, I say hell TF no! Not. Any. More.
I’ve wasted enough of my life making myself smaller to ease the minds of people that are run by judgement and insecurities of their own. I send them love and wish them healing. I’m not here for any projections of feelings that don’t even belong to me. I love gassing up my clients, friends, and even strangers on the street; building them up. It feels good for them and it feels good for me.
We are a product of our conditioning. I know men don’t think they fear us, that may be deeper than they’re willing to go right now. When I began my current relationship, my partner would raise all kinds of hell over who I was until I lost all shine, I spent so much time trying not to rock the boat. He knew who I was when he met me, yet once he had me in his grasp and I lived states away from my home, possessiveness and jealousy began to rear their heads; years later, I didn’t even know who I was anymore. Fully disconnected. Looking back, I know that’s not what he intended, he had his own trauma to work through, his own conditioning, and his own wounding that made him feel the way he felt and treat me the way he did. I’m not making excuses for him, but we all have so much healing to do. We must proceed with compassion towards the self and others. Witnessing him in his own growth through the years has been remarkable and we grow wiser every day, if we allow ourselves to and work for it.
My background is riddled with vast emotional abuse and it takes a lot to reclaim yourself when you find your mind and body in such a disempowered state. If this sounds like you, I am with you as you work through anxiety and fear. It takes so much willpower to reframe your life and rebuild, learning it’s safe to trust yourself again. I had to come back to center and relearn who I was. Unapologetic selfies are a tiny part of the giant puzzle, as simple as that may sound, but change is created when all of the simple steps accumulate into a lifestyle as you reform your mindset and invest into your mental wellbeing. My Libra moon loves beauty, I live as art all the time. I giggled to myself when I wrote that, because it’s still dark outside as I’ve been up working since 4am; I’m in a robe, rocking bead head, and I’m a hot ass mess, but there is still beauty to be found here and I love stepping into the zone of becoming my own muse. The notion is so sexy to me.
When Amanda mocks me for getting done up, posting selfies, glowing up in my feminine radiance, showing my body shape that I adore, wearing “fancy” clothes (this counts as literally anything besides jeans and a Cabela’s t-shirt), or putting effort into myself (things I may do for my own mental health and well-being); all she appears to feel is her own insecurities, she is caught in comparison, not because I look better than her, I don’t, but because she cannot allow herself to do the same, her mental limitations that she has built around herself holds her back in the shape of judgement and insecurity. We are mirrors for each other. I understand that now, but for a long time, I didn’t. Years ago, I knew an old friend that would post selfies every day; same angle, same expression, and I always had some snarky comment to make about it to my partner. That was a reflection bouncing back to me of how I felt about myself, it had nothing to do with my friend at all. Does Amanda need to feel threatened? Absolutely not! She is golden, beautiful, worthy, and breathtaking in her own way, each of us are so unique. It reminds me of a tulip comparing herself to a daffodil. But we humans are funny sometimes, we get stuck in a rut that we never anticipated falling into in the first place. I wish her love and self-acceptance. Peace.
My first love was always music, I would sing in the kitchen as a child, delighted as my voice bounced off the vaulted ceilings, and I’d tell everyone that asked, “I’m gonna be a singer when I grow up!” As I got older, I turned to photography and expressed my art in that way. Teenage me loved nothing more than slinging my old Minolta over my shoulder and taking a walk through the woods to capture close ups of water droplets on leaves and tree bark. Self-portraits were always exciting, because I never knew what I’d get until I developed my images myself in the dark room. When I got my first little point and shoot digital camera, I loved to capture myself in pictures and I was so proud of this one…
I never thought I was the most beautiful girl in the world, in fact, I always disliked my nose, but it was a fun way to express my art and I have always seen beauty in everything, myself included…until I learned I was “supposed” to pick myself apart instead of focusing on the things I loved.
As I got older, I began to catch on that we weren’t supposed to enjoy ourselves, it meant you were arrogant and nothing was uglier than that, right? Humility in my upbringing wasn’t the healthy kind; it was the make-yourself-small kind, the sell-yourself-short kind, the spread-yourself-thin kind… Such is the way so many of us have been raised. This is the old paradigm. We need to deconstruct and rebuild; we need to re-evaluate the concept of confidence and self-love and strip away all negative connotations and judgements. Much of society is living in a deprecated quality of life. Numbness, disconnection, desensitized by years of conditioning that taught us as young girls to hate our bodies, to compare ourselves to photoshopped models, to consume products to make ourselves acceptable, and to gain love and approval through sex. Swapping energetics with anyone and everyone until we are so disconnected from our own bodies that we can’t even decipher what energy is our own and what isn’t. We’ve become numb to the concept of true value and wholesome love, to ourselves and often towards each other as well. I find this especially true in western society; we live fast, with instant gratification everywhere, so much is fake, the love we think is real might turn out to be codependency, we filter our lives to only put the best foot forward, we smile when we want to scream, we water ourselves down and camouflage our uniqueness, even the food we eat is fake. Pitted against each other, ridiculous beauty standards and false body image presets of what we’re supposed to like, strive towards, and be attracted to, on top of assumptions that we should play small, as to not make anyone else too uncomfortable.
We’re witnessing an amazing time in history unfold right now, it’s a mass deconstruction, the great realization, the age of Aquarius; people are shifting and changing, awakening. We’re learning more about the human mind, about energy, and more about our power – ancient wisdom that was lost and forgotten for a while. We’re changing the way we parent our kids; we’re learning how to reparent ourselves. It’s such a beautiful thing to witness the healing on a collective level.
Smash the patriarchy. Trash society’s hold over you. We are not property, objects, or toys to be displayed whenever other people deem it acceptable. We call our own shots now. Revel in your accomplishments, your wins, your beauty, your talents! Demolish the concept that you must put yourself down. Stop apologizing for existing. I see it all the time on social media; mass overshares of negative thoughts. Women post pictures and apologize for their lack of makeup, we feel the need to inform people ahead of time for not looking polished enough, for gaining weight, for being a mess. What if we just…stopped? What if we simply owned it?
A few years ago, I kept a note on my phone where I documented every single mean thought I had about myself. Yes, homes…you heard me. Every. Single. One. Anytime I’d notice some self-hate going on, I’d pull my phone out and write the time, what I was doing, and what the thought was. This sounds insane in the membrane, right? “10:32 am, I took a picture with the baby and saw my thumb in the corner, so I deleted it because my thumbs are the ugliest, widest, shortest, and most embarrassing things ever.” “10:35am, I saw my reflection in the toaster. I looked like Peter Griffin.” “10:36am, I chewed a muffin and spit it in the trash, because I didn’t want to swallow the calories. I’m so fat.” (more on eating disorders and body dysmorphia to come.) “10:40am, I was sitting on the floor with the baby and when I stood up, my butt print in the carpet from my ass was SO WIDE!!!” “10:42, I just spoke to the neighbor about running up the stairs on all fours like an animal, while letting the dogs out. Why am I so fling flang flung awkward?” LOL. You get the point. These memos were so close together, by the end of the week it was massively eye opening to see how much I was putting myself down. As the days went by, I noticed my entries became further apart; instead of 20 entries in an hour, I had 10, and eventually I had 10 in a week, and eventually I had 10 in a month, and now…I don’t screw around with negative self talk. Sure, I can recognize when my hair is a mess, I still have days where it’s a struggle to love my body, but I don’t dwell or beat myself up and down for being human anymore. I live with more self-compassion and that’s vital, my love. You deserve to speak to yourself the same way you’d speak to your best friend. When my inner mean girl tries to get to me now, I just give that bitch a shutthefuckupcake and move on. =)
Loving yourself is cool. Celebrate yourself. Selfie everyday, you don’t have to share them to social media, but take them for yourself if that feels good to you. Honor your body, love her, hold her with compassion and gratitude. Curb the negative self talk, curb the critical judgements of others, curb the need to be like everyone else and own your magic, whatever that may look like.
“Vintage soul come take control I need you now more than ever before Vintage soul where did you go I need you now come show me how To break all of these walls down Help me get my feet on the ground Remind me who I am Vintage soul crave unruliness Vintage soul cravin’ wilderness Free me, come help me to let go!”
I wrote this song in the depths of grief. I was mourning the old me and she felt so far out of reach. Sometimes she still does, the journey of reclamation is never ending and I’m currently wading through another area of the same swamp that I thought I’d already made it out of. Such is the human experience. This is shadow work.
I wrote this song as a plea for her to return to me, but little did I know at the time that I was about to embark upon a journey to salvage her and I would find her myself. She had never actually gone anywhere, she was merely buried at my core by layer upon layer of survival mode… The age-old story that rings true for all of us to some degree.
Looking back on these words today, I feel hope knowing that I subconsciously saw through the broken remnants that life had left me in and that I naturally knew what I needed to put myself back together. You know in your core, in your heart of hearts, what you need. Listen.
I know in my core what I need.
But fear holds us complacent. This is painful to acknowledge, even as I type this now. I know what to do, I know what I need, I’ve been seeing all the signs, but sometimes I still choose fear. Sometimes I still choose to use I love you’s as bandaids, sometimes I still self-betray, sometimes I still feel lost, like I don’t know what the hell I’m even doing.
Tune in, Aura. You have the strength you need. Remember.
Your pain does not wrap up your story, your pain is not all there is left inside of you. Your sorrow is a gift to help you develop your strength and your character. You’re gold.
I once had a spark in me; long ago before all of the countless layers of trauma, narcissists, abuse, shame, minimizing… I had been brutalized by life in so many different ways, but the girl I missed felt free and she was lit up from the inside out, she was friendly, happy, unconditionally warm, confident, optimistic, open and loving, radiant. I felt wise beyond my years and I trusted myself. I wanted to embody her more than anything in the world. Sometimes when I reminisce about her; I get angry, resentful, and wish I could go back and do things differently, but that resentment is what’s causing stagnation. That’s just the human in me, but I can do better. Sometimes I get so stuck inside resentment that I curl up and live in there for a while before I remember that I am in control now, that I have much to be grateful for…
Aura, you are her. Gtfo of the resentment closet. I guess the closet has just become so easy and it feels safe to me by now…
But easy isn’t best.
Intuition is the most detrimental thing we can lose, yet it’s the most popular thing to disregard. Minimizers tell you that it’s all in your head, they try to tell you what to think instead, but you KNOW in your body and you can trust yourself. Lean into that trust. Depend on it like you never have before, cling to what feels right and move.
When I sat in front of my piano, slowly clinking away at the ivory keys as the words to this song poured from my heart, I was in agony. Some days that agony still resurfaces to remind me to stay humble, to keep healing, to fully embrace the pain as it expands my heart and furthers my growth. Digging this song out of my heart’s archives and finally recording it had me feeling so motivated by how far I’ve come since I wrote it. But as always, ebb and flow. I get knocked down despite how much I have grown – stand up. Keep standing up. Always stand back up.
I’m still learning how to stay grounded. My soul is still begging me to live authentically. And I’m still learning how to tune in and listen.
Vintage soul, come take control.
Repeat after me: Dear self, I love you unconditionally. I see you in your pain and in your happiness, both are lovable and acceptable.
No matter where you are in your journey, no matter how much you have self-betrayed in your life, reclaim what is yours. Reclaim your vintage soul.
There’s a lot of doubt that arises when I discuss the Higher Self with the skeptics and sometimes, I get frustrated by the atheist energy in the air. Ha, I know, I know…if you know my story, you’ll recognize the irony in that – coming from an ex wounded AF girl that used to claim atheism out of fear, hurt, and a lack of direction. I ran away as fast as I could from organized religion that I landed straight into the arms of jaded rejection of literally EVERYTHING. I even denied the concept of ghosts or spirits, even after experiencing strange phenomenons for many years. It took me a long time to soften to the notion of more and it took me even longer to heal and realize that spirituality and religion are not the same thing. Spirituality is found within; your inner knowing, your truth, connection, your higher self. I get so excited and I want to share what I’ve been tapping into, but I realize that what is key in my current journey is not for everyone and not everyone is ready to talk about it.
This has been an intense year of manifestation for me, but when filters are applied, it’s hard for others to recognize – and that’s totally okay! We all perceive the world through our own filters. That’s their journey and this is mine. One big thing I’ve come to grips with this year, is that it’s not my duty to change anyone else’s perspective. In fact, it’s not my place to do so. A lot of times I’ll witness my clients passionately protest their lack of getting other people to understand their woke point of view, “They just don’t get it, I want them to understand!” And I totally appreciate that frustration, I see the love, the yearning to spread awareness, and the fire behind what makes them feel alive, I’ve felt the same way many times. But…a lack of understanding is a person’s right during the journey of their own human experience. We’re all at different points in our life of understanding and connection.
Be a light in the world, live your truth.
I’m feeling a deep call to surrender, it’s been a strong theme for me this year, to focus on my own growth, to live and let live. Everything will be ironed out eventually. In the meantime, focus on being as energetically contained as you can and do your best.
What is meant for you cannot pass you. When it’s time, each of us will learn the lessons we’re meant to learn, other people don’t function on our timeline. Bless and release it, focus on yourself, their time will come – whether it be in this life or the next. ❤
I was laying in bed the other night thinking about the concept of old souls, struggling at times with the depth of feeling and sensitivity that I have to others when a lightbulb went off for me. We incarnate to live the life we choose that coincides with our soul’s contracts; crossing paths with people we are meant to cross paths with and learning lessons our souls came here to learn. It appears we may even choose our race, gender, and parents before we are born – signing up to come to this earth to learn specific lessons from them that will benefit our soul’s personal growth. I believe the people we know that are wrapped in bitterness and judgement haven’t lived as many lives yet, they may not have the capacity to grasp as much compassion and empathy as you, and that’s okay. Old souls have empathy in copious amounts and we want to heal and spread love. Others may be caught in bitterness and selfishness today, but this does not make them bad people and it doesn’t make you or I any better than anyone else – we are all in different places on our own journeys and we were once in their shoes as well, and also, we have much more learning to do of our own – focus on that. The learning never stops. Don’t get wrapped up in the lessons that aren’t meant for you, the Universe has got your back and the Universe has them covered as well. When someone triggers you, use that trigger as a mirror to look within to see what else you need to heal. We all get triggered, no matter what season we may be in or how old our elaborate soul may be. Turn to compassion and banish the need to control or judge.
Keep growing, keep expanding, keep it up, my love. You’ve got this. We’re all on our own individual journeys and it would be silly to assume everyone is at the same point. We all bring so much exquisite diversity to the table, helping each of us expand in different ways.
I woke up this morning with a placid smile on my face, it’s September 1st! And tonight, is another luminous full moon, how perfect, the potent energy of this moon is calling in profound divine reconnection to self. Calling us to ground in and come back to center. We are shifting on a cellular level as a collective right now, the evolution in so many is undeniable and it’s a magnificent thing to witness.
The brisk air filtered in through my window as I laid in my bed, a layer of fog sauntered along the grassy hills, suspended softly like clouds. As I sit down at my computer this morning, tapping away at the keys, these words pour from my open heart and I feel rejuvenated. There is something so refreshing and enchanting about this time of year, the fresh air is already hinted with notes of bonfires and haybales. I can almost taste it.
Okay, I know, I know…it’s still technically summertime, and don’t get me wrong; I love bike rides in the sunshine, crystal clear lake water, and hiking beneath a canopy of maples, walnuts, and sycamore trees as golden rays of sunshine beam through the leaves – reminding us of all things whimsical and magic as laughter and gleeful screams bubble all around. But my cancer sun and rising soul thrives in this cool and tantalizing air, come with me for just a moment. Let me paint your mind with cozy blankets and sacred cacao in my favorite mug, as I write sensual and magical stories of awakening and love.
When I think about my most happiest of places, where I feel the most alive, it’s on a four-wheeler with a dented thermos of hot chocolate strapped to the hood. Red, yellow, and orange leaves, green pines and ferns whip past me in a blur as I ascend through the hills that call to my yearning heart. Cool wind in my face, Canadian air in my lungs, and the exhilarating rush in my chest as I fly down the trails. My soul craves for those northern hills more than anything.
September is the beginning, the doorway into that magical place where things begin to turn inward. And inward is where I’m called to be these days.
We spend so much of our valuable time in summer-like expectations that we set for ourselves; produce, produce, produce, energy on high, on the move, hustle and grind – we have become so wrapped up in our heads that we often forget to drop into the body, how to feel. We’ve been tricked into thinking that summer is the only acceptable season for us and we lack self-compassion when our soul yearns for us to nurture it and go inward towards hibernation, calling us to release things that no longer serve us, begging for old patterns to be put to death. If our world is allowed to produce and rest, so are you. We must.
I’ve begun to look at my life similarly the Mother’s earthly seasons. We are one, so beautifully and intricately connected to the plants, the animals, the moon… It makes perfect sense that we would ebb and flow, just like the ocean’s powerful tides. I realized that sometimes you have to bare it all in order to come back to earth to propagate your roots into the rich soil of the Mother, She is always there to lovingly guide us back home to ourselves to become centered once again.
Today I challenge you to drop into your magnificent body. Take a moment to lovingly document the things you love about it. Check in with a mental body scan, compassionately noticing how it feels and reacts to things throughout the day. I promise it will tell you things you didn’t notice before, but above all else, wield your thoughts and inner reflections with self-love and compassion, note where you need to rest and where you have the capacity to expand.