The hardest times produce the most growth, just ask the butterflies.Aura Henre, spoken while happy and feeling free.
I said this yesterday, but it rings truer today, in this moment. Because in this moment, this place is a shit show!
As a parent to strong willed toddlers, do you ever feel like you’re just about to fucking lose it? I held M today, totally dissociating from my body as she screamed bloody murder (for…who knows how long, I lost time) trying to hold space and allow her the freedom to get it all out.
But inwardly, I had so many awful thoughts drifting in and out:
I just need to drop this kid on the couch and smash my head into a wall.
I just want to get in my car and disappear forever. Freedom!
I hate being a parent, why did I fucking do this shit?
Take a breath with me now. Ready? Phew.
We are not our thoughts or our emotions.
They drift in and out.
They come and go.
They do not define us.
I do love being a parent, I do love my family, and I’m not going anywhere. I also do need a break from time to time, because we all do and we’re all going through shit and it’s difficult.
Heavy clouds of smoke are billowing through my house right now, because I saged TF out of this bitch. My attempts and grasps for any shred of sanity. I’m not watering it down, I’m not toning down my language, this is real life and this is how I feel. So what am I supposed to learn through this experience? What do I need to heal? How can I grow through this season of my life? How can I find peace in the chaos? How can I ground in? I’m spending some time journaling through these questions this week.
This is real.
Listen, mama. You’re not alone. I am love and light AND I am pain and darkness, because you can’t only have one or the other. We are equally human AND divinity. We have these days and it’s real, being a parent is really hard, being a human is really hard too. We need to give ourselves grace and remind ourselves that it’s okay to feel the feelings, get them out, move them through and then move forward. Release the mom-guilt, release the need to be perfect, release the concept that we can only be polished and must hide the rest under bated breath. We’re not here to preform, we’re doing our best.
Take a breath and ground in. Come back to center.
You’re doing a really good job.