Infinite Shades of Grey

Oof, the energy this week has been a wild ride so far, am I right?

I have flipped through my journal from the past week and I sound like a crazy person with how much my emotions rise and dip like billowing waves in an angry sea, because my soul is just as deep.
One day I feel solid, like I’ve really made some headway and feel good about the direction things are going in. Then suddenly, I have blurry tear stained words, agonizing over how angry and suppressed I feel – this was followed by a real live explosion that came flooding out of my body in the shape of bitterness and frustration, pent up anger. Later, I was writing gratitude lists for all of the support and love in my life, feeling lighter after my extreme outburst. And the next thing I know, I’m writing about how much I’m yearning to run off to be a lone wolf and solitary witch in the woods; growing my own herb and making friends with the woodland creatures, living in a van by the river.

(Hear me out for a moment – A hand painted van, white twinkle lights hung inside, lace curtains, a cozy bed in the back, a fire with a kettle of hot water for my cacao, freedom, adventure, solitude. Oh my god…heaven, but I digress.)

I used to be so ashamed of my wide range of emotions. I dissociated from them for most of my life under the guise of being cool and laid back. I didn’t understand that it was okay to feel all the things. I knew not to express anger or any of the “negative” emotions. I was raised to be good, be nice, be easy going, be quiet…meek. I developed a cooler than cool mentality, because that was the way I buried my emotions. I have always been highly intuitive and sensitive (Cancer sun/cancer rising much? Yes, hi.) and I was antagonized for “sulking” a lot as a kid. I wasn’t supported through my low points, but was instead shamed for them and treated like an annoyance, “Are you done being a witch?” –> Jesus prefers this replacement for bitch.
It was quite an eye opener for me to realize how this kind of upbringing was so normal – in myself, when I took a step back and realized I also began to invalidate my daughter’s feelings. “Be nice!”, “Control your emotions.” This style of parenting was what I knew, and my parenting has been a work-in-progress towards consciousness as I’ve leaned into holding space, instead of reacting and taking ownership of her feelings. Feelings that are hers to express.

When I left religion as a kid, I remember meeting new people “in the real world” as I tried to build a new support system anywhere I could find one. Shielding any of my new friends from my past was part of my gig, I didn’t think people would accept the outcast girl that I was. I was currently being shunned from everyone I once knew, I was homeschooled for a long time, and severely sheltered my whole life. I felt like a freak…so I pretended I’d always been one of them. Normal. I never spoke of my past and it slowly slipped from my memories.
Play it cool so they won’t know where you’re coming from.
And that’s exactly what I did. Looking back now, I definitely don’t think that was necessary and I probably would have avoided a lot of dangerous situations if I didn’t think I had to play along so hard, but such is life and I am grateful for the experiences that helped shape me into the woman I am today. This is the healing journey.

Repressing emotions and denying our feelings, and in essence – ourselves, is so toxic to our wellbeing. When we bury our heads in the sand, building thick walls around ourselves, acting like we’re too good to acknowledge that we’re not robots, refusing to express our emotions – emotions that are there for a valid reason, they can build up within us until they metastasize into physical diseases or eventually come out like a burning hot volcanic spray of word vomit, and often times – both. For me, repressing my emotions turned into self harm, then anorexia and intense depression that rocked most of my adult life, which then lead to substance abuse and more dissociated behavior, pushing the limits and trying to gain validation through sex, selling myself short and accepting abusive behavior from others until I realized everything needed to be burned down and rebuilt. Do not allow guilt or shame to put you in a bad place when you can honor the journey with self-compassion and love instead.

Mantra: I honor the ebb and flow. The rise and falls that have shaped me into who I am. I’m thankful for the lessons life has taught me. I’m coming full circle to embrace and love myself through all of my emotions and expressions. I am safe to feel and express myself.

awakening Aura

We’re all so multifaceted. The beauty of being human is that we get to explore all the things, all the feelings, all the emotions. We get to have infinite experiences in life that effect and change us greatly as we evolve. We don’t have to choose to be just one genre of human, we live through it all, gleaning depth and experience along the way. This journey is wild; it’s just as ugly as it is beautiful, but without the pain and sadness, we wouldn’t appreciate the beauty.

I challenge you to honor yourself and your emotions today. Feel everything as deeply as you can right now, dig in deep. Express yourself, be heard, and release it…all the good, the bad, and the ugly. You are so supported and seen as you maneuver whatever your struggle may be. You would be shocked to hear the things your fellow neighbors and peers are going through; we all have a lot of hidden turmoil to weather behind the scenes. I value you and your struggle, as I value my own. I honor the ebb and flow. I honor my humanity, highs and lows included. I do not strive to be a dull shade of grey in between black and white for my entire life. I will not choose to be complacent, non-confrontational, or laid back if I do not feel that way in my heart. I will be every single motherlovin’ shade of grey for all of my days.

I love you.

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