As humans do from time to time, you may feel lost or like you’re not up to par like everyone else, but let me tell you right now…
We’re all a mess in one way or the other. We’re all hurting from something, we’re all wounded, we’re all learning, healing, and doing our best in this moment.
I may be thriving in one area, but in the darkest parts of my life, I’m caving in…or at least it often feels like it. Your struggle is valid and your feelings matter. You want support, we all do, and that’s so human and natural.
Some days I really feel trapped. A common theme in my life since I was a kid. I remember sitting in my bedroom, looking out the window, day dreaming about running away. And then I did…
Similarly, now I often find myself feeling totally depleted, likely with a very needly toddler hanging onto my body, yearning for a break, feeling tapped out, day dreaming of just running away for a while. Maybe someday soon that will look like a weekend hike or something, lol… Tuning into self-care is vital for me and my family, I’m blessed with a partner that supports me and understands my cravings to be fueled by freedom and expression.
This isn’t solely my own expression, many of us feel this way. Many of us are weighed down by the burdens we feel we must carry alone.
We’ve been taught to put our best foot forward, to be polished and neat, to camouflage our humanity with plastic masks of perfection. What I’m not supposed to tell you is the gritty stuff, the mess, I’m not supposed to embrace my own confusion or pain in front of people. What might they think?
But I’m starting to feel differently. I’m starting to feel pulled to bare more of my soul.
If I were to be totally sincere, which I truly want to be, I’d tell you that I’m so focused and happy in one area of my life; my business, my work, my coaching, my clients….all while another huge facet of my life is in a total upheaval, a total restructuring, and it’s been messy. There’s been screaming, crying, thoughts of despair, depression, suppression, wounded egos, broken hearts, and awkward silences. In my line of work, on myself and with my clients, I witness this all the time. The painful demolition in order to rebuild. Similarly to what I believe is happening in this country right now. This is the demolition that needs to happen in order to rebuild anew.
Note to self: Another dark night of the soul, Aura. You’ve been through these many times, you can get through it again and you’re always better for it on the other side. Keep trucking.
It’s so common to get caught up in comparing our struggle to everyone else’s highlight reel and I know I’ve been really guilty of only portraying the best parts of myself at times. I want to do better. I want to reframe what we’ve always been told to do and do what feels good instead. What feels good is truth. Liberation. And that starts here…buckle up.
I died a year ago. There was a version of me that had been living in my body for the past 10 years and she needed to be put to death.
I hit a wall last year and realized how much needed to be pruned out of my life, so much so, that I set the whole bush on fire and burned it down, I’m working on planting a whole new forest now. Please, don’t for a minute, feel as if you are alone in your struggle. We are all struggling and surviving, crying out in sorrow and in jubilation, it’s the ebb and flow I’m always talking about. Life is not either black or white, there is much going on below every calm surface. When you watch me succeed, know that’s only part of my story. I’m not 100% success or else 100% failure and neither are you, we are multifaceted and so complex.
I want to bare my soul with you. I know it’s easy to get caught in comparison, assuming others are doing better than we are, but we are all in different parts of our own stories and where another person is has nothing to do with your story. I have set my world on fire; I’ve poured everything I have into change. I’ve launched my own business this year and that part of my life makes me feel fulfilled and brings me joy, but on the flipside, the things I’m not supposed to tell you is how gut wrenching some days feel and how I’ve felt broken in my personal life, confused over what to do and how to handle things. I’ve been fearful of my own growth at times, afraid of what I will unveil in myself, fearful to outgrow those I love. Going down the road of healing requires bones to be set and rocks to be dug out of wounds before true healing can begin, and rocking your life is never an easy feat. I haven’t always communicated clearly with people in my personal life, I’ve watered myself down and chosen to walk on eggshells more than my ego would like to admit. I’ve been preaching ownership in my business and to my clients, while deeply struggling to own one of my own truths. I want to be open and honest with you all, but I’ve allowed fear to rule thus far.
I know it may feel hard for others to understand my struggle and why it is important to be open and honest, but it is. I’ve been battling within myself in agony. Healing often uncovers things you didn’t want to find. As I have worked hard to heal layers and remove the stones from the flesh that is my past, I’ve begun to accept a facet of myself that I have tried to keep hidden, disassociated from, and repressed since I was a child.
I’m married to a beautiful man, we have a beautiful family together, a beautiful home, with beautiful neighbors, and I’ve tried hard to swallow my truth to maintain the conventional beautiful role I’m meant to play. I have lived my life in service to my family and intend to always do so.
But in being a strong mother and a woman in her power, I can no long pretend to be something I’m not, I must own my authentic truth…I’ve been hiding in the closet for far too long.
I’m filled with gratitude as my partner and I work things out and figure out how my truth will affect our life. I wonder, what if what society says is normal didn’t define us? What if I can be a loving wife and mother and also, be gay? What if I could own my sexuality without fear of it ruining any of my friendships or causing awkwardness? What if I could just be honest and not fear losing the relationship I’ve worked so hard to build with my conservative family? What if I could just be an example of society not defining your role and writing your own story instead? What if I’m not the only lesbian in the world to have a family and a husband that I love? I don’t know what will happen, I don’t know what to say, but I do know who I am and that my truth is out there in case anyone else also feels repressed and confined by social norms.
I crave liberation and honesty. I yearn to be open and upfront about my struggles, because this is Awakening Aura, my healing journey home to myself, and I must be transparent with each of you. Ownership. If I can’t own my truth, I can’t preach ownership to my clients. I can’t nudge them to do the work, if I’m unwilling to do my own.
I realize how heavily societal and parental conditioning has held me in place. I’ve used many excuses through the years to deny my truth. I’ve been ruled by fear. I blamed my resistance on past sexual abuse, I’ve tried to talk the talk and walk the walk, I’ve spent many years numbed and disconnected, I’ve assumed my hormones were just messed up, I’ve said I didn’t owe anyone a label and that it was none of their business, I’ve thought I was broken, and I’ve spent so much time trying to force it and fix myself, before ever accepting that maybe I’m not broken and maybe I’m whole exactly as I am. Just as you are, too! I needed this release. Some of my close friends already know, but most didn’t. It’s so common for women to come out late in life. We grow up while playing with Barbie and Ken, we are told we’re meant to find prince charming, that we should be meek and submissive, we’re told to satisfy men, support men, live for men, to be led by men… But this isn’t the dark ages anymore. I was heavily saturated by these beliefs. I’m reframing now; for myself, for my clients, for my daughters – to express their truth and to have a mother that does the same with fierce self-love, and for anyone and everyone that might be able to relate.
I want to unpack my struggles with you. I want to pave the way for anyone else that may need support in this aspect as well.
I love you with my everything. I want to love and embrace every facet of myself as well, so here I am…owning it and claiming the label I’ve always been too afraid of. With fear in my heart, but a bigger feeling of liberation through honesty, I release my truth.