Vintage Soul, come take control…
“Vintage soul come take control
I need you now more than ever before
Vintage soul where did you go
I need you now come show me how
To break all of these walls down
Help me get my feet on the ground
Remind me who I am
Vintage soul crave unruliness
Vintage soul cravin’ wilderness
Free me, come help me to let go!”
I wrote this song in the depths of grief. I was mourning the old me and she felt so far out of reach. Sometimes she still does, the journey of reclamation is never ending and I’m currently wading through another area of the same swamp that I thought I’d already made it out of. Such is the human experience. This is shadow work.
I wrote this song as a plea for her to return to me, but little did I know at the time that I was about to embark upon a journey to salvage her and I would find her myself. She had never actually gone anywhere, she was merely buried at my core by layer upon layer of survival mode… The age-old story that rings true for all of us to some degree.
Looking back on these words today, I feel hope knowing that I subconsciously saw through the broken remnants that life had left me in and that I naturally knew what I needed to put myself back together. You know in your core, in your heart of hearts, what you need. Listen.
I know in my core what I need.
But fear holds us complacent. This is painful to acknowledge, even as I type this now. I know what to do, I know what I need, I’ve been seeing all the signs, but sometimes I still choose fear. Sometimes I still choose to use I love you’s as bandaids, sometimes I still self-betray, sometimes I still feel lost, like I don’t know what the hell I’m even doing.
Tune in, Aura. You have the strength you need. Remember.
Your pain does not wrap up your story, your pain is not all there is left inside of you. Your sorrow is a gift to help you develop your strength and your character. You’re gold.
I once had a spark in me; long ago before all of the countless layers of trauma, narcissists, abuse, shame, minimizing… I had been brutalized by life in so many different ways, but the girl I missed felt free and she was lit up from the inside out, she was friendly, happy, unconditionally warm, confident, optimistic, open and loving, radiant. I felt wise beyond my years and I trusted myself. I wanted to embody her more than anything in the world. Sometimes when I reminisce about her; I get angry, resentful, and wish I could go back and do things differently, but that resentment is what’s causing stagnation. That’s just the human in me, but I can do better. Sometimes I get so stuck inside resentment that I curl up and live in there for a while before I remember that I am in control now, that I have much to be grateful for…
Aura, you are her. Gtfo of the resentment closet. I guess the closet has just become so easy and it feels safe to me by now…
But easy isn’t best.
Intuition is the most detrimental thing we can lose, yet it’s the most popular thing to disregard. Minimizers tell you that it’s all in your head, they try to tell you what to think instead, but you KNOW in your body and you can trust yourself. Lean into that trust. Depend on it like you never have before, cling to what feels right and move.
When I sat in front of my piano, slowly clinking away at the ivory keys as the words to this song poured from my heart, I was in agony. Some days that agony still resurfaces to remind me to stay humble, to keep healing, to fully embrace the pain as it expands my heart and furthers my growth. Digging this song out of my heart’s archives and finally recording it had me feeling so motivated by how far I’ve come since I wrote it. But as always, ebb and flow. I get knocked down despite how much I have grown – stand up. Keep standing up. Always stand back up.
I’m still learning how to stay grounded.
My soul is still begging me to live authentically.
And I’m still learning how to tune in and listen.
Vintage soul, come take control.
Repeat after me:
Dear self, I love you unconditionally. I see you in your pain and in your happiness, both are lovable and acceptable.
No matter where you are in your journey, no matter how much you have self-betrayed in your life, reclaim what is yours. Reclaim your vintage soul.
I love you.